I just read a journal about a woman who was upset with herself for how much she weighed.
I have always had a weight problem. When I got married I was 30 pounds overweight. One day at work a male co-worker said, “You’re loosing your girlish figure.” Truth was, I never had a girlish figure to being with.
His remark prompted me to go to Weight Watchers. I ended up spending nearly almost 2 years to get to my goal weight. Food was always on my mind. From the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed I was always worrying about what I would put in my mouth to keep my weight down.
I kept that weight off for nearly 10 years. When I got pregnant I was scared that I would gain it all back. I never did. I was able to loose the baby weight and keep it off.
One and a half years after my son was born I left my husband and just the stress of the divorce alone helped me keep my weight down. In fact I lost even more during that stressful time.
By the time my son was 3, my boss who I dearly cared for was dying of cancer. This time the stress of his illness caused me to head to food for comfort. I remember telling myself during that time that I didn’t care anymore. I just kept comforting myself with food.
At that time I was still only 20 pounds overweight. I thought I could keep at that new weight and be happy where I was but gradually the weight just kept climbing. Now 30 years later I find myself 100 pounds over my original Weight Watchers goal weight.
I ask myself, “How did this happen.” I know how it happened. I would go to work and hear people say unkind things about me, whispering their remarks that they thought I didn’t hear or understand. I would rush home after work and find food to stuff down my face to shut out their voices. I worked for the same company for over 30 years and those remarks never stopped, it was just different people, different voices that made them now. And the result was always the same, food became my crutch.
I retired last year. I joined a gym at the beginning of this year and I haven’t gone as often as I should. I need to go. I need to get out of this house and move this heavy body more so that I can shed some of this weight.
I no longer have to work with those people every day but I have still been replaying their voices in my head. I know that is a problem. A problem that I have to learn to shut their words out of my mind and move on.
Tomorrow I will go to the gym and work out and quite those voices in my head.