We all have a story, I guess this is mine.
I used to have an online diary. It was 2004, and I was a 17 year old in a hospital day treatment program for teens with eating disorders. The other girls (and guy) used online journaling as a support network, a way to stay in touch with those who had left the program.
We were able to comment on each other’s progress and offer our support to those in need. Sadly, the site eventually closed and we never set up a new one. I guess with the development of social media sites there was never a need to.
I don’t know why I’ve suddenly decided to start to online journal again. I think I just want to be able to vent, to anyone and to no one. I’m 29 now, and so much in my life has changed and I’m extremely terrified about every aspect of it. I moved to the UK from Canada two years ago to be with my boyfriend. It has been one crazy ride full of ups and downs. My visa is expiring, and I have to go back to Canada in a week. I’m thrilled about it (because it’s home)but I’m also incredibly anxious.
Anxiety, Depression, Anorexia, Bulimia. That has pretty much been my life for as long as I can remember. I finally got myself to the point where my eating disorder was in the background and I was able to to finish University with a degree in Psychology, complete a 3 year health science advanced diploma in college, followed by a placement and two successful jobs in my field (one in Canada and one in England).
Although I still struggled from time to time with the occasional slip in terms of eating disorder behaviors, days where I just couldn’t get up in the morning, panic attacks on the train and in the bathroom at work. I still managed to get by and sometimes even brought myself to enjoy this crazy life. I’ve done things far outside of my comfort zone, proven myself wrong countless times, and basically fought against every negative belief system I had in place. HARD EFFING WORK. So what’s changed?
My coping strategies have been failing recently and I’m scared, scared that this isn’t just a slip but a slide back into that hellish excuse of an existence that is all too familiar to me. The obsession with losing weight, the constant self doubt, the gripping control over my food, the loss of control. I want it to go away.
I got sick in February (acute pharyngitis) and lost about 8lbs. After being the heaviest I had ever been in my life in 2014, and having a much healthier and fitter 2015 (but still not “thin”) losing 8lbs quickly felt…Euphoric. I didn’t want to put it back on so I stopped bringing lunch to work and cutting down my daily calories not to the point where I considered it to be relapse behavior but “healthy” weight management.
It’s the fear of gaining it back that lead to the restriction again. I hate it because as much as I feel like a failure for falling back into this routine I also feel like I’m me again. People at work were commenting on my weight loss telling me that I looked good, and that’s addicting. I automatically assume (whether right or wrong) that I looked hideous before. It makes me even more afraid to gain it back.
I don’t know how much I’ve lost since then because I don’t own a scale and as tempting as it is to get one, I feel like that’s the catalyst to a complete relapse.
I had to quit my job because of my expiring visa and because of that I’m broke. SO BROKE.
Being home hasn’t been a good alternative, because I’ve tried to up my calorie intake justified by increasing my physical activity. I walk 8-10 km, do a 30 min run, and floor work out every day. The only issue is it makes me hungry. Which I know is NORMAL but I can’t handle it right now. It’s lead to binging and purging again sometimes multiple times a day. My attempt to not gain back the 8lbs I lost is making me INSANE. Restrict, exercise, binge, purge, repeat.
Nobody knows. My support system in the UK consists of just my boyfriend who at the moment thinks everything is fine. At home, well I have a psychiatrist who I never see (obviously because I’m in England) and my family who think I’m 100% better.
I just feel lost, like I’ve taken 2000 steps backward and I don’t know what to do. Even now as I write this I feel the guilt of what I’ve eaten today. It’s strong and I hate that after all these years and all the work I’ve done, I still feel like this.
Vent = over. Thank you for listening/reading or not if I decide for this to be a private post.