“You’re ugly by choice” has stung me the most. I was trying to move on with my life, but they wouldn’t let me. A miserable spirit spewed this hatred at me while I watched television in an attempt to drown it out. “You’re an insult to your family!” Did I actually hear that? There’s always this doubt in the back of my mind. Why was this happening? It didn’t make any sense unless I looked at it for what it was, a spirit attack. Could it be possible that these spirits sustained their existence off of the negative energy and emotions that I emitted as I reacted to their negativity? Or were they just upset about their situation? There’s no way of knowing. I’ll continue my diary here….
11/4/15 Their nonchalant and casual voices are notable. Often they are dicking me around and wasting my time. I was under the sick impression that many of them were stillborns or aborted, never living a day in this life. Their unrelatable nature and lack of humanity towards me kills any compassion I once held. There is no encouraging reason to want to dive deeper into this, and yet here I am still taking notes and complaining. It has been the most disappointing revelation finding out about their existence and there is much disregard for my efforts to tune them out.
12/15/14 Almost lost my mind to panic yesterday, I was unable to tell what was going on around me and I heard too much. My forehead began to burn as I strained to not listen. I heard insults throughout the rest of the day.
12/27/15 I have wondered if I should be visiting forums for schizophrenics or psychics…both are tragic but at least the former admits they understand nothing about what is happening to them. There were even elitist psychics dismissing the experiences of a confused schizophrenic questioning on whether their illness was of a spiritual nature. It is sadly a prevalent thought among schizophrenics to commit suicide as a means to end their mental torture. I hate this and have run across it many times in forums. Self-harm is also very common. One woman tried jumping off of a balcony while another slit their body in anguish trying to make the voices shut up. Many of us are functional and not insane, but the voices can drive us to becoming that if they are not silenced. We cannot get peace of mind, it is a daily battle and sometimes you don’t feel like fighting.
1/7/16 When I had gone an entire day of not hearing them successfully (the end of December), towards night time a male voice spoke to me and I had become very upset by this because I had heard him. I probably said “shut up” but once he realized my reaction he said something along the lines of “now you’re talking.” What got to me was his attitude though, he sounded upbeat which really annoyed me.
1/24/16 The voices will not respond to personal questions when I ask them, but I’ve given up on wanting to know more. Writing has become more difficult as well as painting because of the unwanted feedback I get on my work. If I do mess up at any point that then becomes a defining feature of my character–being a “fuck up.” Mostly they just expect me to fail at everything I do so I grow tired of hearing about it and refrain completely from doing the things I love. They actually banter as if I enjoy the negative attention, like my life is not on the line. I am spiteful and terrified of being drastic. “Jesus Christ!” They couldn’t say anything that hasn’t been said already. When does it stop appearing interesting? I’m tired. I try so hard not to hear them while they don’t try at all to be heard. This could’ve happened to anyone, nothing makes me more deserving of these insults.
2/16/16 I had trouble controlling my thoughts at work yesterday and I felt gawked at by a rather large group of voices. They heard my thoughts and insulted me for having them. I began to cry because I couldn’t stop thinking. I’m weary of going out in public and having more strangers (voices) finding out that I can hear them. The voices were just telling me I was “crazy.” I even heard one say “go to the hospital.” I don’t want to be inside my own head, I am afraid of my thoughts. They keep telling me I’m embarrassing myself, although this is all too surreal to really register with me. I cannot rest knowing that they’re present. I am cursing belligerently, lashing out at all of them–no one is immune to my abuse. They cannot state their purpose nor make a point and I cannot catch a break, yet some of them have the audacity to exclaim “give me a break!” I can only stand to be called “ugly” so many times in my lifetime. I don’t want to fight every day. The voices that aren’t as cruel and who sometimes defend me can think to themselves that they are helping, but they are all culpable and I disagree. I feel like two people right now because I speak differently than I think but I am judged daily (especially by myself) for both. On top of that I worry about my appearance. I can think of worse afflictions to console myself with, but this takes the cake for being the dumbest. I want to get on with my life.
4/7/16 Today the voices have been decent and considerably kind while I have not adjusted well. I snapped at my mother a week ago, cursing at her horribly like I would the voices and it upset me very much. I did the same thing to my boyfriend and now I can see a change in my personality. This ordeal has been traumatic.
4/10/16 It makes my blood boil reading my pathetic accounts and how I seem like a victim. I would never consider that to be the case and even then it appears like I am in some kind of denial. That really isn’t true. I’m in a much better place than where I was when this all started. However, I cannot win this scenario my life is playing out anyway I look at it. I must take medication (which I am thankful for), but my life will always be susceptible to this illness. I try not to harbor any fringe beliefs that may border on delusional, but I can’t avoid thinking the way I do just because of how weird everything that is happening to me is. I realize the problem with schizophrenia is a matter of beliefs and strong convictions you cannot change after being exposed to certain symptoms. I wish I could make people understand what it’s like, but that’s probably not going to happen. It’s too hard to believe even for me. Hearing voices is exactly what it sounds like…you hear people talking from outside of your head. It is so distracting at times and hard to not obsess about when it happens 24/7. The next time you see a “crazy” person on the subway talking to themselves, they’re more than likely just talking to the voices that they hear.