It’s a daily battle to regulate my extreme emotional reactions, even when my brain knows the emotions aren’t warranted. What a phenomenon to know the reality but not have that dictate feelings.
For example, someone could not text me back quick enough or not want to hang out for whatever reason and that’s logically pretty normal and to be expected. But I will immediately feel anxiety, shame or even anger because of the situation. Having my rational thought align with emotional responses would really improve my life.
I cried to my psychiatrist about some of these complex thoughts I am having and about how I think I have Borderline Personality Disorder and she told me I do need counseling but that I need to stop overthinking and that what I said doesn’t necessarily mean I have BPD. I felt slightly dismissed but she is right about the therapy being needed.
I think I am avoiding therapy because I know it’s going to be a ton of work and also a ton of money (which I definitely do not have). Maybe going and being honest will be helpful though and worth the wading through the muck in my mind and emotions. I just need to be ready to jump in with two feet.
Since reading about BPD I feel like I understand myself more. All of my reactions and inner-dialogue makes more sense now and has a name. My one friend thinks I just read things and then I think I have them, it’s not that way at all. I feel included and understood reading about something I identify with so well. Then part of me thinks maybe he’s true and I am just being crazy. It’s hard to not trust my own gut feelings.
As we speak I am blowing off a get together with an old friend and her family. I say old friend because I blew her off too many times about a year ago and we really didn’t talk. I get awkward and avoid socializing and therefore my relationships suffer. I feel too fat and awkward to go to the get together. I also feel ashamed I let our friendship go to shit and I can’t let go of the guilt enough to go even though she invited me (another episode of emotional reaction not equaling my rational though processes about the situation).
I feel like I am going in circles, or even a slow downward spiral. Each time I let my irrational emotional reactions/feelings dictate my actions I am losing. And another loss adds more shame and guilt which causes more negative emotional responses, and so on and so forth.
I hope these thoughts I type make sense.