Where to even start…

Well, here I am I guess…26 years old and nowhere even close to where I thought I would be 10 years ago. Then again, 10 years ago, I was also praying every day that either someone would save me and whisk me away to safety or that I just wouldn’t wake up…so many memories that I remember that I wish I could forget…yet, so many memories I wish I could remember, but I have so much of my childhood blacked out, I can only remember little bits and pieces. That twinge in my right shoulder and the massive scar to match is a good reminder of a bad memory I would love to forget…the scar on my pinkie finger too…isn’t it funny how the bad memories stick with us so much better than good memories? Then again for me, I have so few good memories in my childhood, it could very well be that the few I remember are all I have. I was abused by my mother’s ex boyfriend for 14 years while she was in denial about it(still is at least to my face…)the entire time. Even when my shoulder was dislocated after I was thrown across a room for putting his fire gear in the wrong spot one night after he got home from a call. I had just gotten a surgery done a few days before and it popped all the stitches out and so I am left with this massive scar and a torn rotator cuff that hurts me every day as a painful reminder of what I went through, just for the start of what I have to remind me anyway. I was kicked out of the house in middle of winter in just jeans, a t-shirt, and socks for some reason I can’t even remember…I walked nearly 5 miles in the snow and cold(I live way up north)before my mom came and picked me up on the side of the road. I had my head smashed off our stove because I forgot to clean up some crumbs on the stove when I ran out the door quickly one morning after cutting up some brownies to take to a bake sale for school. I wasn’t allowed to eat with “the family” if her boyfriend decided to “grace us” with his presence for a meal because supposedly, it made him sick to look at me…I would have to wait until they were done to eat. That or we would have to bring his food up to him in his room while he stared at porn for hours because he didn’t want to look at me supposedly…I feared when he came home from work. Especially when my mother worked the night shift. Because then I knew my night would be worse than usual. He wasn’t as bad on nights she was home as when she was away. His nightly routine was to come home from work, yell at me for whatever I did or didn’t do, yell some more if I dared look him in the eyes, maybe give me a smack or two, then head upstairs, strip down to his underwear and surf the porn sites, calling my mom up occasionally to show her some girl and compare the two of them. I could hear them arguing so many nights about his porn addiction…it would get pretty bad some nights. My brother denys remembering any of the arguments his father and our mother used to have. He hasn’t spoken to me in as of this year, 8 years. I never thought I would ever say I would miss my little brother…but I do…I felt so alone in my battle at home because my mom’s boyfriend was a “pillar of the community”, so he could do no wrong…CPS was at my house 3 times and they did nothing. I attempted suicide twice. Once I tried to slice my wrists but that epically failed. The second time I took a whole sandwich baggie of pills I saved up…I landed myself in the psych center for about a month and a half. I begged not to go home. It was the best month and a half of my life. I felt like a normal kid in there. I felt…safe…but it of course couldn’t last. I had to eventually return to what I had by then dubbed the hell house. The first thing that my mom’s boyfriend told me was how much of a worthless piece of shit I was and that if he could have, he would have left me there to rot. That I was the reason the family was so dysfunctional…by that point I just accepted that role. I gave up. I stopped caring about my appearance and stopped caring about myself. I had no friends in school and didn’t really date. I was the unpopular kid in school. I got picked on a lot because I was different. I have Bipolar II, ADHD, PTSD(diagnosed 2 years ago), severe depression, and anxiety. I was being medicated for depression, bipolar and ADHD when I was a kid but it just wasn’t cutting it. Plus I was getting some awful side effects. I had a few teachers that knew what was going on at home and they took me under their wing, but they knew there was nothing more they could do to help me…especially when CPS did nothing to help me before. They just did their best to help school be as easy for me as possible. It was my escape. I still felt so many let downs there though. I was so unpopular that it wasn’t noticed that I was gone when I went to the psych center until I had been gone for nearly a month…then I got left behind by the marching band bus because everyone thought I was on the other bus but since no one wanted to hang out with me, I was alone…I made some bad decisions starting in my senior year with a bad choice of a boyfriend and it carried into college for a bit until I straightened myself out once I found out I was pregnant. Her father and I have been together since 2011 with only a short break up in 2012. However, I am struggling with my connection to them both and I feel like such a terrible person for it. Its so natural for everyone to connect with those around them but yet, I can’t. I have no sex drive, no desire to have physical contact with either my fiancee or my daughter…I feel like an outsider in my own family. I feel empty and devoid of feelings and emotions except just sadness and sometimes anger. I read online about those who go through traumatic events sometimes turn off their emotions and only experience those two emotions at times but don’t even fully feel those, which is exactly how I feel. So I don’t know how to turn my emotions back on per se. It’s an awful feeling to essentially feel nothing when you know you should feel SOMETHING! (And yes, I do have resting bitch face lol…) I just wish I knew how to fix myself before it’s either too late to fix my relationship or too late to realize where I want my relationship to go. Because right now, I’m like a ship lost at sea. I’m battling the world like you would a great storm, the little bit of emotions I do feel are like the waves under my small little boat and I feel it taking on water and I’m afraid it is going to go under soon. I feel the wind pushing me forward but, I don’t know where, or why…I have no purpose. No direction. I need to find a way to draw myself a map to get out of this storm, fix my ship and keep myself from going under before I drown under all this pressure they call life…I’m so calm and collected on the surface…but no one knows the storm that is raging underneath….if they only knew…

One thought on “Where to even start…”

  1. Dear Girl, it is horrendous what you went through in your childhood and teen years. My heart breaks for you. Someone should have rescued you, dear. I’m sorry everyone dropped the ball.
    There is only one direction I know. It is to run to Jesus and ask Him to be the Person who takes care of you, because no one else will. He knows you are broken. It breaks his heart, too. He will be your Father, and send his angels to watch over you. Seek Him and you will find Him, then you will have found unconditional, everlasting love.
    It won’t be all easy (life) you and I know that. But you won’t be alone, you’ll have the King of Love taking care of you and guiding you. Talk to Him, dear. He is listening.
    He wants you to know that He loves you and believes in you. Truly. (Hugs)

Leave a Reply