The Witcher was always there to listen to my newest problems – another bill arriving with the mail, another household device breaking down, or just me having opened my netbanking account and seen too many red numbers. First he listened, then he asked for details, then he gave advice. He was horrified when he found out how spontaneous the purchase of the estate had been, how many things I had overlooked, how little legal security I had had. Back then I had not told him, because I had tried to keep him at a distance – maybe things would have been different had he been there by my side, talking some reason into me. It seemed like an eternity ago. Now, only months later, all he could do was pick up the broken pieces and clean up the mess.
He did so with care and diligence. Whenever I wrote to him, he dedicated all his attention to me. There was not much more he could do, as I would not take money from him. However, I did let him buy me food whenever I was in the capital. My pride is strong, but it gets shoved out of the way by hunger every once in a while.
I knew, I was supposed to let go of him, but I needed him so desperately. I had felt so empty and weak when I had thought that our story was over. But this was not the time for weakness in my life. I had to be strong for my family, and if I needed him for that, then so be it. I could fix my messed up feelings later, when everything else was sorted out. He made me feel like everything was manageable, like it would all turn out okay in the end if I just kept going on, step by step.
Spending time by his side made me realize again how deep my crush for him still was, after all these years.
How I loved the freckles high on his cheeks and the way he sits in front of his computer, loved every single vein on his hands and how my feet dangle in the air when he lifts me up, loved to watch him do work for the institute and how I was always proud when he was mentioned in a presentation, though I had no apparent reason to be. Most of all I loved him just the way I saw him for the first time. Silent, scowling, with the corners of his mouth slightly curled upwards, as seems to be their natural shape.
In a better world, one where love could overcome duty, he would be mine. But we don’t live in that world.
End of Chapter 3
*** This was about the time when I started writing my journal. It took me a lot of effort to decide whether I should go on writing or just leave it at that. I think I will continue. There are still too many things left untold. Just remember that from now on I might seem to contradict myself, because the world has moved on and I am not the same person who started telling the story. It is also a case of the experiment influencing the outcome, because I am sure writing about everything helped me make up my mind on some things. Well, stay tuned. ***