These things are so incredibly important to me. I’ve never liked having music, movies, anything I was doing that was involved with sound to just be… shared with the universe (okay, so maybe I’m overreacting but that’s how it feels!). For the past 17 years of my life I was only living with my mother. Meaning, since it was just the two of us it was a billion times easier to shut everything out. To have quiet, to have peace, to have my own space. I even miss having my own bedroom. I was never an upper-class kid. We were lower class. All of my clothes are second hand and I’ve learned how to bargain, how to re-use things, how to be creative. We’re big on having what we need, rather than having a lot of what we like shoved in a closet that we never use. We don’t have a choice for doing that anyways (anymore at least). If you read my last post you will know that I live with five other people in one house. This was a huge change for someone like me. I have anxiety, paranoia among other issues. I have a lot of mental issues but I’m good at masking it all. My headphones are not just headphones, my earbuds are not just earbuds. They take me away, they help me shut things out. They also help me not annoy others, which is great. I don’t get fancy headphones, I get the 2 dollar ones (or somewhere around that range). And they usually break a few months later. One ear, then the other.
Considering I spent this this whole post mainly talking about headphones, I get this is most likely boring and you haven’t even read this far -or read it at all. It’s just that something so small, so simple has such a huge impact on my life. It makes a change. I love music, watching anime, YouTube, and if you know what ASMR is, I love that (helps me relax so much!). And those things just can’t be done without headphones!
Since I have a fear of people, not outside. I love nature, animals. Its the people I can’t be around. My social life is very restricted. When I was still in school (even though I hardly went and dropped out at 15) I had…aquateninces and a lot of them. I’m generally a really easy person to get along with so I knew a wide variety of people. I was a jokester and also someone who fell under the surface. Someone who watched and listened, thought a lot. Even though when I was thinking, it never had to do with studies. I am someone who is easily overwhelmed and easily afraid. I am only just learning to overcome fears. They say failure is the mother of success. What I’m trying to say is, I knew people. We hung out, rarely outside of school but we did sometimes. I easily let them go. I moved away from WA to OR in 2012 and moved back here in 2016. I moved from WA when I was in the 8th grade. I was nearing the end of 8th grade and had to start over at a new middle school. It was pure torture. This new school, new place was very different. Where I’m from, there’s a lot of different cultures mashed together and it was normal. We were all different. I was used to four different languages being used in a ‘english’ classroom. It was my neighborhoods normal. But at this new school, it was mainly white kids, some Mexicans and maybe three to two percent of everything else. (By the way, I’m a mixed kid. Black and white, I saw maybe three other kids who were mixed. Maybe two darker skinned kids.) All the kids at this new middle school and high school I would later go on to…were mainly upper class. I didn’t know what it was like to really get made fun of for my clothes, for being myself. Again, I’m going off into a rant and getting off-track. I think what my mind was trying to explain, is just that.. I have no friends. I let everyone go. The only people who have really stuck around in my life are my family. And our cats, (even though most have passed on..).
When I was fourteen, I was so eager to make friends I looked online for virtual worlds and I got a lot more than I dreamed. I don’t think its necessarily bad to have online friends to make up for real life ones. Its just, there are a lot of things you can’t do with your virtual buddies. Don’t take ‘virtual’ the wrong way. I have had some friends who I have known online for five years, and we’re still going strong. We know practically everything about each other, we’re all very close. Yet we don’t talk everyday, we need to spend every second messaging each other. But we have each others backs and that’s what counts. I got an addiction to making friends in these virtual worlds. The freedom to speak and not be afraid, to have to hold back. It was all I had. A lot of my family think I have an addiction to the internet. Wrong. I just refuse to give up my connection to the friends I do have. I dont want to lose my music, my books, my shows, my games, all that. Things were different a few years back though. It was like I was clinging. I fought my mother over it. Once I dropped out of school, neither of us cared anymore. She took off parental controls, and that was that.
They’re not just headphones, okay. They’re my world. I don’t feel at ease without them.
I can’t really think of a good stopping point, I suddenly got an extremely sour taste in my mouth. I suppose here will do..
This is a little off topic but I have three things that are my goals.
- Work on Math with gram (my gram is an ex-teacher who helped kids in sped. Aka, like me.)
- Keep going out and doing stuff, so I can gradually get more comfortable around people again. Even though I feel like I want to die and rip my own eyeballs out when people look at me. (Sorry, graphic moment.) When I’m out in public I tend to forget that I shouldn’t be doing certain things, things that aren’t socially acceptable here. Most of the time I can’t even speak, Its incredibly difficult for me to speak most of the time but I force it out. I don’t know.. This is supposed to be a list yet, I’m talking. Woop..
- Call the doctors, make an appointment. …Calling and using a phone myself, to talk to a stranger, is something I can’t do. Yet… I don’t know. My ma and gram say they will both help me but I don’t know what’s stopping me.