“I’m not liking you like this.” What I’m told about my excessive insecurities. Well, I am not liking me like this either but it just continues to worsen unfortunately.
Last night I went to a get together with an old friend (I went late and ended up not blowing the whole thing off as originally planned) and I was the fattest one there. I sat uncomfortably covering my rolls and hoping nobody could see how fat I am and how large my arms are. At times it feels that is all I am, fat, which makes me feel worthless and that nobody cares what I have to say because they can’t see past it. I watched as everyone else chatted normally and played little games, not worried about how they look or feel in their clothes, they can just be and enjoy each moment with the focus on fun. I envy them. I felt awkward and was more quiet than usual and didn’t know what to say and had trouble with eye contact. A trigger, all of it, making all of my insecurities worse.
I wasn’t always like this, in fact a year ago I wasn’t this bad. And now my insecurities, or my honesty about them, is causing someone who I want things to work with to not really like who I am. Should I just keep this stuff inside and not speak it? It’s hard not to because it consumes my mind most days.
I want to cut myself. I feel I deserve it because I am disappointing people and also being whiny. I feel shame about feeling shame and then verbalizing it. I should have more control. I want to sit and drink and take pills and be gone from this world because I can’t bear to know that I will never have someone to share love with and it’s because of my personality and inability to regulate my emotions normally, my inability to process the world appropriately.
I can’t afford therapy. Hopefully I will make time and continue my bipolar workbook and it will help. Maybe I can find something online to help reprogram my brain. But as of now I just see a downward spiral and endless nights alone with my insecurities and suicidal thoughts. I don’t have the courage to do it but the thoughts are non-stop.