To The River

I’m literally out of money. I spent the day in Armory Square with Mary and I had to beg my mom for money so I could buy lunch. I got $40 so I spent $15 total on lunch, coffee, and dessert. Then the rest is going towards Mary’s bday present. Somehow I have to be able to pay for the surprise dinner, balloons, and the last bits of her present. I don’t know how this is going to happen. I need a job.

My mom told me I’m not trying hard enough to get a job. I applied to 16 places and called them all back to talk to the hiring manager. For the most part, they said they’re not hiring even though all of their websites says they are. Mary applied to 6 places and never called any of them back and still got a job. McKenzie has 3 jobs. How can I not get one job?

What my parents don’t understand is that I’m spending all my money on entertainment with friends to distract myself. I know if I spent all day of every week home with no interaction with anyone I’ll go dark. Distracting myself with movies and lunches with friends is my way of keeping myself from going dark. Except now I don’t have any money to keep doing that so I’m actually really afraid. Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with friends. It just does more for me than anyone thinks.

I can’t stop listening to To the River by Pentatonix since I discovered it yesterday. [I’m deep in shallow waters. I feel it pouring over.] I’m still trying to figure out the true meaning of the chorus but so far to me it means that the person feels like their drowning in their sorrows. I get emotional listening to the song even though it’s upbeat and I don’t actually know what it’s supposed to mean. I guess it has a deep meaning to me that I haven’t figured out yet.

I know the opening verses of the song is the singer talking to someone who wronged them. [Don’t say you’re sorry, you’ll never have to be alone. I’m in on your actions, there’s no hope for you to atone…]

But the chorus confuses me…

[So take me to the river and run, I’m diving in. We’ll see where it begins. Your lost when I fall in. So lead me to the brim where my breaking point is thin. You try to pull me in, like fire in the wind. But I, I’m deep in shallow waters. I feel it pouring over]

Is the ‘bad person’ the singer is talking about represented in the river? When it says ‘you try to pull me in’ that’s what I assume. But then the first part that says ‘your lost when I fall in’ makes me wonder why the ‘bad person’ would be lost if the singer was in the river if the ‘bad person’ themselves is in the river also. I don’t know. It’s a good song.


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