July 12

I’ve not written for several days and I hesitate to write.  I don’t like being whiny or malcontent and it seems I’m quite sad and a bit whiny these days .  I truly believe in being positive or striving to be…at times of course it is quite an effort.

My life has just been so strange of late, empty, busy, boring, different.  That sounds contradictory doesn’t it?  Well I’m busy with work, work, work and lots of overtime.  And a good portion of me is pleased, for the challenge and for the chance to stay crazy busy without thinking. Which is not typical of me.  I’m 63 years old and have never been work or career oriented at all.  Work has just been a necessary evil.

And as to the whining.  Oh my.  So sad I was yesterday and today as well.  Last night I cried the entire walk to my car…sobbing really.  Such a waste does not change things.  Yesterday I was thinking of mom and missing her, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was talking to the gal who works in the canteen downstairs and we were discussing how sad it is to be an orphan.  And I was going on to explain, how absurd I feel that I feel like that.  I mean I had my mom almost 63 years!  Who gets that?  What a blessing indeed.  And yet I still feel so sad and so empty.

So then I ended up keeping my brother company while he ate pasta at a local pizza place last night. Afterwards we were talking politics, the screwed up world in general and mom.  We speak of her a lot.  And we were both crying and I told him at some point years from now we will be busy and productive and although we will always miss her it will be better and we will move forward.

Anyhow I was just so sad and I’m so sad today.  And tired, stinking tired.  And I know if anybody reads this they think whiny, boring, pathetic.  And I’m not exactly looking for sympathy…just does anybody get it?  I mean is this normal?  

3 thoughts on “July 12”

  1. ((Hugs))

    If it’s normal or not, it’s your feelings and you are entitled to them. I think your mom would be touched to know how much you love her and miss her. The situation might make you realize all those things you want to say one more time. It might make you aware of your own mortality. I don’t think the feelings ever go away… I think that as time passes it just gets easier to except that there is void.

    I bet your mom is looking down on you and smiling.

  2. Ah thank you Goddess. Your message does make me feel better. And the past few days have been better ones. Yes I think mom is smiling down on us but I also think she wants us to be happy.

  3. I’ve been told – and have experienced it as well – that it will hit you “like a ton of bricks” at the most random times. We are both getting used to our new reality. We may never get used to it. But your mom and my sister are always here in their eternal form. Love to you Hoosier.

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