How is someone supposed to deal with this?
Last night I went to bed slightly angry about people bugging me about bringing a plus one when we’ve made it perfectly clear that this is off table. I’m recovering from pharyngitis, lay in bed the entire last week. Today was the first day I felt better. I started to write a little, played some video games and dove back into the wedding preparations. There was still some projects unfinished.
It was almost four when he came home. I instantly knew this couldn’t be right. He shouldn’t have been home for at least two hours. I turned of the show i was watching and met him in the hallway.
“What happened”, I asked, expecting him to tell me he doesn’t feel well. That he just needs a day of rest.
“My dad has died”, he said and everything we had worked for the entire last year turned upside down. Happiness was out of reach. My head started spinning, each thought that shot trough me more ridiculous than the one before.
We sat down. I did not know what to say. He did not know what to say.
We talked about postponing the wedding and my heart almost broke. To see his pain. To feel my own. To realize that my big dream of a dream wedding was over. No matter what we were going to do, the wedding would not be the one I had imagined.
It is ten days to my wedding and I have to say goodbye.
To a father-in-law I would never have the chance to really know.
To my children having him as a grandfather.
To my favourite person in the whole world proudly showing off his new wife, me, to his father.
To a wonderous wedding full of love and laughter and dance and without any cloudy thoughts.
Now I have to be strong, I have to be there for him because he needs me now. And I am scared out of my mind.
This is not fair. Months of depression, it was my job to get myself out of there, my first and most important priority to get myself into a state in which I can enjoy my wedding. This was not supposed to happen. It was not supposed to get harder. This was supposed to be our break, our special day, our summer. It was supposed to help us after these hard months.
What will help us now?