Day 138 – Torn

Wednesday, July 13th 2016

I am torn.

I guess I should begin by what I did today. I played a lot of Pixelmon, watched YouTube, spoke with a few people, but mostly the new guy I met on the Pixelmon server. Let’s call him… J. 

You see, J and I properly started talking a couple days ago. I joined his town on the server and those couple days ago, he promoted me to town admin. We started talking a lot and he wanted to add me on different chatting apps, which I agreed to Skype, because it was the only one I had until I downloaded a different one today so that he doesn’t have to lag (his Skype has issues). 

From those two days, he has called me “cute” kept giving me hugs (saying “*hug*” basically), has complimented me and we had quite a few things in common (Pokemon, Harry Potter, funny video genres, cats, introverts, drawing, graphic design, learning new languages and anime). I started realizing the way he was talking to me was flirty, cause of the compliments and hugs. Eventually, I asked him how serious this is and he says he hopes for it to be serious. Bare in mind, he is 21 years old and I’m 16. Which, alright, age gap, but he doesn’t see the problem with it, but says he would careful for legal reasons and when I’m 18, it’ll be a breeze. I’m not worried about anything illegal cause the only illegal thing is sex, which I wouldn’t do until marriage anyway and he agreed cause he’s Catholic (which I’m like “yess” cause in a relationship, it’s easier when you both have the same beliefs), but it’s still a pretty big age gap for when I’m under 18. In the long run, I don’t see a problem with it. He isn’t pushy or sketchy in any way and he seems like an all around nice guy who flirts like a 16 year old (doing things like “*cuddles* :3”). 

Now our age gap isn’t the problem. It’s something that overtime, won’t matter and by the time that I would meet him, I’d be 17, so nearly 18. Plus my mom and grandmother are always trying to hook me up with people that are 18+, sometimes even 26 years old, which I’m like “slow down”.

The problem is that I’m already in this situation with another guy, someone I have met 2 years ago. Let’s call him, Senpai, cause that’s what I used before.

Now I’ve talked about Senpai in past. He wanted to move to Canada, but couldn’t because of his college. He’s been wanting to meet me for such a long time and has always showered me with love and affection, but he still has 2-3 years of school left I believe. Now J, I met him only days ago, but he is trying to move out (because of step-father issues) and plans on moving to Canada in a year or less, which is earlier than Senpai. I mean, I’ve known Senpai longer, but he seems just so… closed. When I ask him something about himself, past experiences, the majority of the time says “I’ll keep it for when we are in person” or when I ask him what’s up, he says “the ceiling” or “talking to someone cute” and won’t tell me what he was doing until my third try, which he responds by “playing a game” or “watching videos”. To some people it might seem sketchy, but I think he’s just afraid of something. Plus, when he planned on moving Canada, he was about to drop everything to meet me, which could potentially ruin his education. J on the other hand, is open to his personality, his family life (especially the step father stuff) and he doesn’t ask me too much about myself, which some people would think rude or something, but I take it as a sign he’s not faking it, cause why would he try to kidnap me or something if he doesn’t ask a lot about me, other than a normal conversation to get to know each other? Cause I did just meet him a few days ago, that’s why I’m saying this, but that’s the problem, I met him a few days ago, Senpai 2 years ago.

Who do I pick?

I have someone I’ve known ever since I was 14 years old, who’s always been nothing but kind to me, wished to meet me—dreamed to meet me to the point he almost gave up everything, which is unbelievable and flattering, yet scary, and who’s not religious yet open to trying, can move to Canada in 2-3 years and is seems closed to me, or I have someone I met a few days ago who really wants to be serious, who is willing to risk his reputation of our age gap more than the other, but is not moving to Canada just to meet me, but for job potentials, culture and food, who’s religious and can move to Canada in a year or less, depending if he can find a good enough paying job to save up.

I’m torn. Cause I always thought online dating was ridiculous, but when you get older, the fact that you can actually move countries if you wanted because you’re above 18 makes everything much more serious. I’m confused, because J seems more promising, but if I leave Senpai, it seems unfair, that I might cause him great sadness cause he did express to me some issues in his life which I found heartbreaking, and that I’d be unfair because he waited for so long.

I-I don’t know. I really don’t know. I think all I can do is pray. I mean, I got a year or quite a few months, right? At least J says he’d just be friends even if it didn’t work out, unless something big broke us off and then I can leave Senpai a chance, but what if J and I remain committed towards each other and Senpai is just left? I just, I don’t know.

I’m too young for this. Why can’t guys in real life approach me instead? I guess you know me better if you know me online, cause I’m more open and less shy, but this is more difficult to deal with, considering it means risking finances and everything.

Ah, what about J’s education? I mean, considering it’s graphic design and usually that takes 3-4 years and he’s 21, so he’s basically graduating soon, so it’s not the same problem as Senpai, but I should still ask.

I need to think, I need to ask questions, I need to pray.

I think in terms of deciding, in the end, all I can really do is pray.

That’s all for today.

2 thoughts on “Day 138 – Torn”

  1. You are wise to know your best possible action is to pray. God knows the plans He has for you (Jeremiah 29:11) plans for Good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Don’t feel rushed. Things will unfold in time. It will become clear which choice is best. Or you may meet someone in person. Stay close to God because He is the one who will never deceive you or abuse you in any way. Make him your first love, and the rest will fall into place. I wish you the wonderful happiness you deserve!
    Bless you!

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