My whole life is a lie.
I literally just spent four minutes of my life reading about the drama that’s been going down between Calvin Harris and Taylor Swift since their break-up. And I don’t even really like Taylor Swift. Or Calvin Harris. Or a lot of celebrities. Or a lot of people.
But! getting off topic.
I mean, I’m sure as hell not a Swiftie or a……now what are you supposed to call a fan of Calvin Harris. A Harrison? A Harrisomething? A Calvinian? I DON’T KNOW. Maybe he doesn’t even have enough fans yet to have an actual name for them…I DIGRESS. My point is, I honestly don’t care what’s going on with either of the two, because I don’t listen to their music (okay, well, watching the Bad Blood MV for Hayley Williams’ appearance might kinda count, and maybe singing off-key to Out of the Woods when I’m cleaning my room counts as ‘listening to music’), and I generally don’t care about celebrity relationships, anyway.
Yet I still find the time to read about the whole mess-up with Taylor and her Many Evil Exes (that was a lame attempt at a Scott Pilgrim reference) and her current boytoy, the lovely Tom Hiddleston, who, to my knowledge, was the guy who played Loki in that series of movies that I’ve only ever seen GIFs of on the internet. I know nothing about him. I almost spelled his last name “Hiddlestone” with an E, because I thought it made more sense that way…
Anyway, I couldn’t care less about what’s happening between them all, except I kinda do, because–oh wait–I forgot that I’m one of the lowkey nosiest people on the planet and a major–wait for it–DRAMA LLAMAAAAAAA.
Name taken from a danisnotonfire video I watched a million years ago.
It legit took me six minutes or so to spell llama correctly in the title. That’s because I have been going to bed at one a.m. for the past several days and I’m barely coherent enough to write my own name before noon. I typed out “lamaa” and then just sat there staring at it, feeling like I missed something, because I knew one letter was supposed to be written twice, my brain just didn’t let me know which one it was.
Or maybe I’m just kind of stupid.
But the same nosy drama-seeking thing has happened to me before, when Beyonce (I’m sorry for not typing out the e with the accent thing, I’m too lazy to work that out) dropped her supposedly epic Lemonade album, and the internet freaked out because they all thought it was about Jay-Z cheating on her.
Then they freaked out again when Rachel Roi (not sure I spelled that right) and the Becky with the good hair thing happened right after. I thought it was hilarious even though it had absolutely nothing to do with me or 100% of the people commenting on RR’s social media pages with bee emojis.
And before that (was it before. My memory is very faulty and I’m not sure…) was the whole Louis Tomlinson/Briana Jungwirth (honestly that’s a really weird name) pregnancy scandal thing erupting and it was all I saw on Tumblr for weeks–no, maybe months. I have no interest whatsoever in One Direction, or Larry Stylinson shipping–for a long time I didn’t even know what the last member was called (turned out to be “Liam Payne”)–but OH MY GOD IT WAS FREAKING HILARIOUS to watch all their fans swarm out to social media and start screaming that it was all fake because Larry was/is real. It’s not that I’m ridiculing Larry shippers–I don’t care what they ship, or how they ship it–I just thought it was amusing that thousands and thousands of people could care so much about two singers and a woman that they have never met and have nothing to do with.
So the fans denied the existence of a Tomlinson/Jungwirth baby for ages and ages (which I can kinda get because honestly? Tomlinson-Jungwirth is a weird last name to have) until it/he/whatever was born, and then they kept saying that the pictures must be fake. They even provided hella convincing evidence that the pictures online had been edited.
I spent fifteen minutes reading a single Buzzfeed article about the whole affair.
Not including all the time I unconsciously read all those outraged Tumblr posts about the same thing, just in greater detail and with ahem, *stronger wording*.
I spent fifteen minutes after that hating myself for actually wondering if the baby was real because COME ON THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME OR THE HOMEWORK I SHOULD BE WORKING ON.
But seriously, sometimes I worry about that poor child. “Freddie Reign [was it Rain?] Tomlinson Jungwirth”. Or just “Freddie Reign/Rain Jungwirth”–is a hella unfortunate name to have. Sorry, I just would never name my child something like that.
And then before that, was the Zayn departure, and before that, was the…oh I don’t even know, celebrity drama is always happening and it’s just so unfortunate that I actually waste time reading the lousy Buzzfeed things about Kim and Kanye and Taylor. Apparently, Buzzfeed staff has a huge crush on them. So that’s why I know ten times as much about the Kardashians than anyone should know–which is absolutely nothing.
I’m just a sucker for shitstorms that have nothing to do with me. It’s sort of fascinating watching these people play their lives out on the internet.
Thus, I’m a drama llama. I try SO HARD not to care about other people’s business, and I really don’t pry when it comes to people I actually know–ten or so friends have told me “secrets” because they deemed me capable of not spilling, because I’m not some sort of constantly twittering gossiping loudmouth–but I like reading about it for the same reason I like shipping non-canon couples: to revel in the DRAMAAAAA. Yeah I’m kind of sick that way. Ignore me.
And now I’m off to read some more fanfiction and soak up the angst and the clusterfucks of emotion happening in obscenely short amounts of time. Give me all the angst. It’s what makes a story suspenseful, so pile it up. And possibly read some more dumb articles about celebrity shitstorms.
So, have a good Thursday and stay chill.
(This took me so long to type because I’m using a new laptop and the keyboard is funny…it’s not very sensitive, so I have to hit the keys twice sometimes. Annoying.)