A Heart-to-Heart…with my Brain

May I just say, as so many have probably said tonight (in clubs maybe; that’s where I assume people go when they have a life?), TGIF. No like seriously TbloodyGIF because I do not think for one second that I’d have survived another school day. Not if I want to keep my reputation (as a mildly deranged sorta-human) intact.

Speaking of school, I learnt so much today. Today was aaalllll about imparting knowledge and lessons and shizazzle. And pretty much none of it was actually from school BAH DUM TSSSH oooh Apply aloe to burn, school. (What? Don’t look at me like that. We both know school doesn’t deserve the brain energy it takes to come up with a good burn.) Aaanyway, back to the lessons. Prepare for some world-class preaching (like hey there choir, you there? Get in here and take notes, biatch. It’s that good) 

ONE: There’s loads of crazy to go around. (and some of it might even be legitimately psychopathic) I think I have finally met someone who can even freak me the hell out, and that’s saying something (I am not kidding, the Insidious series barely made a dent on my impenetrable psyche. #hawt). As such, I have high hopes for my continued survival in the world as a mildly deranged thang (It’s all in the slang. The key to blending in with the humanoids) (I hope you’re still taking notes)

TWO: Shut the fuck up. No no I’m not joking (well actually, I never am. It’s just that my life’s innate quality as an eternal joke transcends my serious intentions most of the time). Just shut your trap, sit yo ass down next to your situationally depressed friend, and stone. It’s good for you (and more good for your friend who really just wants to use you as furniture. And talking furniture is just tacky. So shut the fuck up). There we go. Isn’t that just doing wonders? We (idiot humans) have rigged the game against ourselves- I mean the sheer amount of obligation and expectation and societal convention we’ve created could likely fill my entire intestinal tract with lead (but only if obligations and expectations had an atomic number of 82 of course #takenotes). So sometimes, you’ve just got to play truant and ditch all that; you don’t need to fill every silence, and you don’t need to laugh at every joke, and you don’t need to hug after every cry. We’re allowed to say fuck it to the conventions, and enjoy someone’s company without having to interrupt the comfortable (and in my case, comforting) silence.

THREE: Protect your phone from insolent stray gazes. Even if the gaze originates from your best friend. Especially if the gaze originates from the best friend. This might require complicated positioning and physical movement but it does not matter. Find your inner contortionist and JUST DO IT. I mean unless you’re totally okay with accidentally ruining the birthday surprise you’re planning for aforementioned nosy bestie. If you are, then GO FOR IT man like contortionists are lame anyway ew. (Clearly, having the powers to become a pretzel is booooringgg like hello)

FOUR: The crudest jokes are the best. Add in a splash of biology references, and a pinch  (or ya know, a liberal ladle) of eyebrow-wiggle-wagglings and you’ve cooked up the queen of all jokes. Serve hot 😉  Truly, if you meet someone new, just say something completely inappropriate and laugh at your own glaring inadequacy. (They could end up hating you, but at least now you’ll have an archenemy and who doesn’t want that

Here, have a sample joke for future reference:

Would you like to bind to my active site? OR Wanna supercoil like DNA without its topoisomerase? OR the all-time crowd favourite: Fck me. Oh wait that wasn’t a joke? Erm. well. Say it anyway, it’ll be funny when you get rejected.

FIVE: The trp Operon genes are constitutively expressed. What? School teaches some things. And I truly believe everyone in the world has the right to spew at least one nonsensical science sentence that makes ’em sound like Hawking. (which is really not too far off in my case. I mean I already look like Hawking so how hard can it be right?) (Nahhhh just kidding. People say I’m hawt. People a.k.a me, but I COUNT OKAY shuddup brain IT SO COUNTS)

P.S. Got a new macbook, no longer suffering from intense first world problems yay

3 thoughts on “A Heart-to-Heart…with my Brain”

  1. This might sound kind of weird, but, I can’t help but say that your entries are always so FUNNY, yet also completely articulate. I suppose it has something to do with the fact that you sound a little bit like Dan Howell being sarcastic which is amazing, and I’m always up for reading some world-class preaching. Especially when you actually give sample crude jokes at the end. I think I might try one when I move to my new school…probably not, because Making an Archenemy does not rank high on my to-do list. But I DID make sure to take notes while reading ^-^ so, thanks for writing and sounding so honest (hilariously so).

  2. This might be a tad rambly but considering you sat through my longer ramble above (speaking of which, THANK YOU, you are such a saint), I think you can handle it.
    1. ASDFGHLEFCHsdfeAJDELOQUWUR (because ASDFGHJKL is nowhere near enough to explain how stunned I am that you think any of that was worth reading)
    2. You compared me to DAN. Like. Hello, new favourite human.
    3. I highly encourage crude jokes, but on a side note, woah new school. That’s exciting (oh did I say exciting? I meant terrifying. All those new humans *shudders*) Rest assured, I am sending all my honest hilarity, hilarious honesty and complete lack of social intelligence with you on this strange new journey xD If anyone had any brains, they’d snap you up faster than the last potter book in the pile because you are amazeballs <3 (does anyone say amazeballs anymore? no? Well, we all knew I was gonna be the outdated creep on the internet, might as well embrace it)

  3. insolent stray gazes. INSOLENT STRAY GAZES. brother there is no way you can blame that one on me. that was all you. You could have a) RENAMED THE GROUP or b) not said “oh let me show you the video of erica dancing” but tbh you didnt ruin anything cause i had no idea anything was gonna happen anyway. I never got to say this right but THANKS FOR THE SUPRISE BAE <3<3<3 (p.s pls dont forget my helium balloon kthxbye)

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