ugh its been forever

UGHHH I need to update more regularly. I swear I’ll get better. This journal thing is mostly for me so I can go back and revisit and see how much ive grown and what ive learned etc, but I can’t effin do that if I don’t be consistent with the updates. grrr. It’s just that a lot has happened since then and I’m always too lazy to go into such detail about everything. but i have time right now so here it goes. Okay so I read my last entry and I’ll clarify what went down and whatnot.

1. job
I quit my job. Several reasons, but basically the job was shit and the people were even worse. I had called in sick on a Friday because I just really wanted to spend some time with Oscar. I know it wasn’t the best thing to do, but I had kinda already decided I didn’t like the job at all and I was going to leave asap. So the day I called in sick we were all supposed to go bowling after work together as coworkers and to get to know each other etc whatever. SO. I emailed/called Joanna hella early that morning and I was like “hey im not feeling good yadda yadda yadda” so she never got back to me. so around like 10 i emaield her and i was just like “um hey? i never heard back from you did you get my messages” and shes like “yes. feel better.” that was it. so I could tell she was all pissy about it, but whatever i didnt really care. so i get to work on Monday and she’s being a TOTAL BITCH to me. Like won’t talk to me, got all pissed off when I asked for help, etc. Plus she would like intentionally leave me out of conversations and shit. so then she sends me an email asking if she could speak with me in the conference room. so we go and she basically just is the most condesceding patronizing bitch i’ve ever spoken with. she got mad at me because 1. i was messing up some orders, but then was like “DOn’t worry you’re an amazing worker and learner and it took everyone about 3 months to really get the hang of this job” so im thinking “k well then why are we having this discussion not even 1 month into me working here?” 2. she was mad because i wasn’t being “social” enough. literally. like she’s like “we’re a family here and we all know each other and we want to know you, but we can’t do that if you don’t talk to anyone.” couple things about that tho is that I have been TRYING to get to know people, but everyone’s so wrapped up in their own little cliques that they don’t want to make friends with me either. also like you can’t force people to be social and outoging all the time. i have a LOT of anxiety about meeting new people so wtf, youre going to disregard my mental illness and tell me im just not trying hard enough?? so i prettymuch knew right then i was done. plus there was this other new person named Jeremy who started and eveone loved him. because he fit right in. he was white, “conventionally” attractive, annoying, frat-boyish so yeah of course they love him because hes fucking identical to them. sorry, that’s not me. So whatever that meeting happened and it was all good or whatever, then Wednedsay afternoon as we’re about to be leaving, Nate (king of the bro’s/head-bro/frat leader) starts bitching about Allie, the weird girl in our department who had left early. He just goes on and on about how weird she is and about how he hates her and then everyone joins in and within 5 minutes they’re all ignoring their work and just going in on this poor girl who isn’t there to defend herself. I’ve never really talked to Allie,but she’s not that bad as far as I know. She’s really quiet and mousey and is really into anime and nerdy stuff,but whatever that’s not a crime or a reason to be ridiculed by her coworkers. And they’rebeing fucking brutal. Calling her retarded and slow and saying she’s an idiot. Like, come on now, you can have valid reasons for not liking someone and not resort to using ableist slurs. So I stayed quiet. I wasn’t going to participate in that conversation. Fuck that. That’s not who I am. so then nate gets a call from one of the appraisers he works with in florida. the SECOND he gets off the phone he’s like “omg that dude’s so gay…he keeps inviting me to his beach house in Miami…homo…etc” im like BRO ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!?!??!
so yeah. i pretty much decided right there and then that i wasnt going to continue being employed by people who are openly homophobic and ableist and just generally assholes. so the next day i let joanna know after our department meeting that I wanted to leave. she wanted a 2 weeks notice, i refused. i didnt want to have to spend my bday in that shit hole and i didn’t fucking care if they knew it. not like i was gonna use that place as a reference or anything anyway. so yeah, 2 days later i was out.
sooooo as far as jobs, im back to square one. BUT i’ve been applying like crazy and i actually have a job interview tomorrow, so im hoping it goes well 🙂

What’s next?

2. matt therapy session
it was just what i expected. i tried to bring up real issues and show that i heard him, but he just deflected and changed the subject. end of story. nothing’s changed. what’s new there?

3. 4th of july
ughhh it’s a long story but ill recap fast:
matt was being a dick
asked oscar for a favor
oscar said no because he had to work
matt told me
i blew up on oscar
big fight ensues
i find out truth
oscar and i attempt to make up
same thing happens AGAIN
oscar gets tired of being the punching bag and in his anger dumped me.
we were broken up for one day before he came back and apologized and we decided together that we need to get awau from each others’ families and be by ourselves to make this work.
soooo matt and mom ended up staying home and tony, oscar and i went camping. it was cool,but tony was beign semi annoying and it got suuuuper frustrating.

anyway, my fingers are tingling from writing in this position so im gonna go it’s so fucking hot anyway, i think im gonna take a nap.

anyway im outttttttt byeeeee.

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