If I fall

 I understand I’m loved. My family loves me. My friends love me. Sometimes it is not enough. My friends tell me it’s going be okay. My family doesn’t talk much to me. I’ve isolated myself from many things. My brain thinks to much and I’ve tried to make it stop. I’ve tried exercise, binge watching TV shows, hanging with people, talking to people, playing games, I hate what I’ve become. I feel alone yet I’ve got people surrounding me. I scream and no one hears me. Am I being punished for something? I feel like I’m in a nightmare and I can never wake up. Music is my go to. It’s my escape from all this emotion in my brain. When that doesn’t work, I don’t know what to do. I’m all alone even though I’m not. I’ve never imagined my life being better because being alone is all I’ve ever known. You figured being alone this long you kinda come to terms with it. That you will be okay. Then why do I feel the same everyday. Some days I bring my walls down and get no response as to why I had them up in the first place.  My heart has been broken many times. I’ve healed it only a handful of times. There are days I feel like jumping. As I sit on this ledge and listen to this music thinking about how I should just jump. All my problems will leave. I’ll be flying. The wind whistling through my hair.  I have wings and im flying. The air rushing past my fingertips. I can finally breathe, the air so clear so crisp. Nothing can stop me now. I’m finally free. Splattered on the rocks below. Lying there guts and insides on the outside, I’m thinking I’m not free anymore. I’m back where I started. Walls up. Brain over thinking. Why did I do it? Why did I jump? I wasn’t supposed to hit the ground. I was flying, I was a bird. Free from this life. As I was lying there brain doing what it does I was dying, flashes of me falling down, falling from the ledge that I jumped from. Screaming I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to jump. Please I wanna sit back on the ledge again. Feeling the impact of me hitting the bottom, every bone I have I felt it breaking, the air being pushed out, my skull broken from the jagged rock it hit, my brains that splattered out have covered the rocks surrounding my head. Feeling the blood rush out from my mouth and ears. I can’t move. My legs are broken. I slowly stop thinking. My eyes are getting heavy, I feel I’m getting sleepy, as my last breath starts to release I try to scream thats when I woke up, not able to move, sweating, nauseous, shaking, crying. I open my mouth to scream and nothing comes out. And even then I was alone…

This dream happened along time ago. But I remember every little detail. In my dream I almost died. It felt real, I started losing feeling, I was getting cold. I was alone. My brain shut off, I had no thoughts. I had no mobility, I couldn’t move. My last memory in my dream was of me jumping to my death, not flying. 

Thank you for taking the time out of your day and reading this. It’s something I’ve never shared with anyone til now.

One thought on “If I fall”

  1. Thanks for sharing. There are a lot of people in this world that feel alone and I’m glad to have read this. The dream you describe sounds a lot like sleep paralysis it could be interesting for you to look at I’ve had it and it’s not fun.

    It’s interesting to read the confusion you had in the dream about feeling the pain and wondering why you weren’t flying. I think everyone questions what the end would be like.

    While i don’t agree with those who say these thoughts are selfish (i think it’s everyone’s right to choose) I’m glad you’re still here to write 🙂

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