I’ll be waiting

I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all. I forgot what this feels like. To sit here and over think everything. To worry if I did too much or come off too strong. But I know I’m overthinking. But yet, I continue to do it anyways. I sit here and feel like doing nothing. Instead I just think about you. It’s been a while since I’ve done that about anyone – actually you were probably the last person I really felt like this about. And last time we eventuated to nothing. And as I sit here, I can’t help but think that history is repeating itself. 

I’m trying to tell myself to just calm down! I know you are going through such a terrible time – something I couldn’t even begin to imagine what it feels like for one moment. I know you need to figure out your own head space in relation to this. I know these things. Yet I sit here and tell myself that you actually are just sick of me. Why do I do that?

You cancelled on us catching up tonight because you feel flat and need a quiet weekend to yourself before a hectic emotional two weeks ahead. And that’s fine – I totally get that. Yet when I got that message, as much as I tried to ignore it, I still felt my heart come up through my chest and pulsate in my throat. I sat there for a while to craft that message back to you to reassure you that it was okay. Usually I just reply with whatever comes to my head first as I feel comfortable with you and don’t need to over think what to say to you. But not that time. Of course, I needed you to know it’s fine to feel like that – and I do mean it. I guess I was so excited to see you and then that moment was taken away. I guess I also assumed that no matter how down you felt, that you somehow still would be so excited to see me too? Perhaps even needed me? I know you have other priorities and I have to remind myself that. I just have to try and not get caught up in all of this. But I already have. I gave up seeing my friends this weekend in hopes to see you instead. Why is it that I am assuming that no reply to my message means you’re over me?! This ain’t high school anymore and yet I’m still stuck in those times when we messaged in year 12 and then you stopped because you obviously lost interest. You even gave me a heads up about not replying because you are dealing with this stuff in your life. And I told you I wouldn’t stress. But here I am. It’s not really that I think I annoy you – I don’t think?..but now I’m left wondering if you really will let me know when we can catch up next. I feel like I’ve been the one putting in most of the effort with the stupid untold texting first rules and all that bullshit. Now I’m wondering if I have overdone it. I know I have in the past – not necessarily with you, but with others and I am scared to make that mistake with you and push you away. But I feel that if I don’t text you again in the future – I won’t hear from you. Guess this will be the way to test it out.

I will be thinking of you as you go through this nightmare over the next few weeks. And when you are ready – please let me know when you want to catch up. I hope you meant that when you said it. I’ll patiently be waiting. But in the event we just leave things here…I want to thank you. Thank you for giving me that one last moment. That one last moment that often crossed my mind over the last few years. It was more than I could have hoped for. I sure hope that it is not really the ‘last’ moment we share. And I’m glad nothing is ruined. So this is it. I believe the next time you will hear from me is when you reach out to me. That way I’ll know I’m wanted or needed – even if it’s just my company. I’ll be waiting.

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