me in a nutshell…kinda

ive been in a relationship for 4 years and i absolutely loved him. we were even talking about getting engaged. or at least i was talking about getting engaged and he just agreed for the heck of it. anyways, during those 4 years that we’ve been together hes cheated on me many of times. in fact during our entire relationship hes been cheating on me. and i found out every time. untill this day idk how he got me suckered me into taking him back every time. he said he was going to change and i was young and inlove so i believed him but it kept happening again and again and again. but eventually this one time he told me so blunt that he didnt want to be with me and that he was talking to another girl. words cannot describe how heartbroken i was. i even continued talking to him while he was talking to her in hopes he would take me back. but eventually she found out he was still talking to me and he mad a lie and told her that i was crazy and that i was obsessed with him and that he didnt actually like me. that was the lowest point in my life. i was being called crazy by the only person i loved more than myself. despite all the things hes done to me i would still take him back. he gave me the best and worst 4 years of my life. hes watched me grow and has been by my side through everything. despite everything he will still be in a huge portion of my heart. btw, this was about 9 months ago. today hes still with the girl he left me for. im not sure if hes happy or if hes taking her seriously. but she often posts allot of tweets about her and pictures. and he has no sign of her on his account. i hope hes happy. i feel like she really likes him and that kind of relieves me because i only want the best for him. and me on the other hand is wanting to forget about him and move on sooo badly. i moved on to another relationship and hes an amazing guy. hes generous, sweet, caring and HONEST.  however i am still having a hard time committing to him. hes never did anythin to betray my trust but the slightest thing, i freak out. i feel like hes trying to play me like my ex. i just dont know anything. why is he with me ? is he like my ex? is he lying to me? is he with me for sex? attention? is he lonely? because i just dont know how i gotten soo lucky. ive never had a guy be so sincere. but i just dont know how to fully trust him. hes caught me talking to other guys plenty of times and hes taken me back everytime. i dont want to make him feel the way my ex made me feel but i cant help it. i put up a barrier every time i suspect something . honestly the only reason i still am talking to guys is because i dont want to give myself 100%. because me giving 100% can result me being completey heart broken again and i cannot take it anymore. my last heart break i almost went crazy. i didnt eat, sleep, go out, smile, i cut myself and completely cut myself  off from all my friends and family so i dont really have anyone to talk to. so i figured id give this site a try to help me clear out my feelings.

2 thoughts on “me in a nutshell…kinda”

  1. please be nice, im new to here. also if anyone wants to talk please feel free to comment their social media, email, phone number or whatever. im down to make a new friend

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