Doesn’t matter what group it is, whether family, or co workers, or just humans in general, I have always felt and still feel like an outsider. I just never seem to fit into any one place anywhere.
With family, though I’m related to them, I am also different. I’m even treated different and therefore I act different. Which is a huge part of who I am. See if I were to try to fit in, it wouldn’t feel like me, wouldn’t feel right. I hate a faker, can’t be one, won’t be one. I have to be me.
I don’t know if it’s normal or not to feel that way but it’s the way I’ve felt ever since I can remember. I’m at ease with myself until it’s somewhat pointed out to me that I’m not conforming to whatever group it is. I don’t feel like I have to or should conform. That’s ok for those who want to and feel most comfortable doing that, but for me that’s not a comfortable place for me, conformist. Sorry but that’s not in my DNA.
I’ll admit, every now and then I am a conformist, but it’s me whatever the situation is, if I’m conforming, it’s me for that particular thing. Next thing it may not be me and I won’t conform. I think many times people such as myself get the feeling that others think we are above them when we don’t fall into line like they think we should. That is the furthest from the truth for me. For me actually it feels like I’m not as good maybe as the rest, and I don’t measure up because I’m not fitting in. Even though I feel like that, it’s worst for me to fake and try to fit into something that I’m not comfortable with. Does that make any sense? Does any of this makes any sense to anyone other than to me, “the self described outsider”? Does it make me a bad person? Does it make me the radical type even though I’m very quiet? I don’t know the answer to any of that, but I do know this, I have to be me, so when I am not doing what everyone else is doing for sake of doing that, it’s just me, being me. I have to be who I am, and if the label of outsider fits, so be it.