Thoughts #1: How to start over?!?!

I want to say that I’m really afraid to restart my life by moving where I came from (Mexico) because I don’t know if it will be worth and at 23, I don’t know how to be on my own..

A brief background,

I came to the US when I was 8 years old (2001 and illegaly) because my mom said my dad wouldn’t be bugging us anymore. I remember that I saw my mom selling my toys and told me to because we needed money for the transfer. I was sad and it’s not the first time I move to some place that I don’t know hehe. Months later, I remember that I was in a bus talking to an older man telling him where we were going and mom said I shouldn’t said anything else.  I wish I could remember more vivid but the only thing I really remember is that mom told me that I was going to go with some people and do as they say and we would see each other in some days. I complied and went with a family and drove miles and miles until we stop at a McDonalds. After that, we saw some cops and quickly the lady said to pretend to be asleep so that I would avoid the questions from a cop……Fast forward, those people (the family) drop me to my aunt and said I would see my mom in some days until one day I saw her and just hugged her and asked me if I was alright with those people,

My cousin (who was the same age as me) told us to be dismissed and after several months, we moved to my uncle’s place. Which happened to be a bit worse too because my aunt (his wife) would treat us unfair and that caused that my mom and I to go with her boyfriend. 

During the first year (2003), we lived in the car (while he worked) during the day and during the night at a nearby hotel. Unfortunately, I could hear the sex sounds those two made while they thought I was asleep. Soooo uncomfortable….

The next couple of years (2004-2007), we were “stable” living at a apartment with the same fucking routine, which I began to realize my life was sucking shit… going to school monday-friday, mom would have lunch cooked out, watch tv, and fall asleep except mom that would wait her bf to come back from work. We never went anywhere to vacations nor anything, barely go to restaurants. During the periods, I wasn’t the only kid. Yes, I had siblings now.

In 2007.  my life sucked big and we rented a house finally. I was starting middle school and I couldn’t fit in and the same went through high school until I ended up dropping out. 


Present day 2016,

we live in the same house and my life plainly sucks. Months ago, I had 2 jobs and now I don’t have any. Due to my status, I can’t find job at all and its hard to get hired. My mom has perhaps the idea that I’m a little girl and never really teach me to be a full woman and that’s why she never really motivates me or tell me to go out and have fun. I don’t know. I guess through the years, I develop the lack of trying and self interest on myself. At 23, I really want to improve myself, to not waste anymore time, and I just want to have truly the time of my life. It’s one of the main reasons I want to restart my life in my native country and to become free. As I said, I’m afraid that perhaps I make the bad decision. I just don’t know how to. I’m afraid that I will screw my life once again and to regret what I have done.

I’ll take walks every other day to clear my mind and to be really sure if I want to truly move or if those thoughts happens when I’m depress (as I am now) and not thinking clearly.


Excuse my English grammar for those who care..

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