Life turned upside down.. Violence..

I never would have thought in a million years that I would be living away from my husband. We usually have such a great relationship, things that I have written off as “flaws” about him, things I suppressed over the years, things he had convinced me were “normal” finally all came back to do the surface.

Last year he really scared me. I dropped a glass of wine (I am soo clumsy) and he got SO enraged that I spilled it, he picked it up and threw it at the sink (which I was standing next to) and it shattered and went all over the place. I immediately told him to leave… and he did. A week later, we talked through our issues, and things have been rough, but we’ve been working on them slowly.

A few weeks ago we were making dinner together. He was talking about how I didn’t help around the house as much as I should (which I wholeheartedly agreed with) but he would just NOT drop it. It was getting to the point that he was making me feel bad as a wife. I finally said, “I’m not hungry anymore,” and walked out of the kitchen.

The rage that I saw last year? That terrifying look in his eye I saw? It was back… and it was worse. He followed me into the living room, yelling, saying we were going to “talk things through” and he wouldn’t accept ‘no’ for an answer. I sat down to get on my laptop, which he took from my hands, and made me very angry. I was starting to shout at this point (I do not shout… ever), saying “I’m not a child!” because he took my laptop. I could feel myself panicking because I get anxiety when I get angry or when another person does, so I tried to walk away. Again.

This time he took my phone from my hands and blocked my way so I couldn’t go upstairs to the bedroom (this involved shoulder-checking me when I tried to walk past). The yelling and blocking was too much. Taking my things was too much. I started to panic. This is where he insisted I was being “too crazy” and ripped my drink from my hand and threw it angrily at the sink… just like last year.

I attempted to run into the bathroom behind me, but he followed me in. Being cornered in a bathroom, without my phone, without any way to contact anyone? I -FLIPPED-. I covered my eyes with my hands and started yelling, “Leave me alone!” I can fully admit that it was extremely childish of me to do, but I was having such a bad panic attack and he wouldn’t let me out of the bathroom, it was the only thing at the time I felt I could do.

He finally let me walk past him and I ran up to the bedroom, shut the door, and started to have a full on panic attack. I grew up in a violent/screaming childhood, and it was like he tore apart all those wounds I had been healing over the years. He tore them right open.

I was trying to calm down – breathing techniques, mostly – and he decided to come back up to the bedroom again. I was trying to talk calmly (although I was shaking and bawling) – I told him I felt he was being controlling and treating me like a child by taking my things. I finally yelled, at the top of my lungs, “LEAVE!” after he refused to leave the bedroom, because he was still getting in my face and yelling at me. Finally he got so mad he slammed the bedroom door shut and insisted on beating the hell out of it. He tore it off the hinges and tore apart the entire top of the door. He left after that… but for the next 10 minutes, I forgot how to breathe. It was so scary, the look in his eyes, my immediate panic, him not respecting me to be left alone… My husband terrified me.

The next day, he came to the house to “talk” (but mostly to fix the bedroom door). He was being his normal sweet self, but the things he was saying to “defend” himself were strange. He said this was normal for couples to go through. They all go through it. We just need to work harder. I started to believe him.

This is where I brought myself to an online forum for relationships. I posted a shortened version of this and the comments were mind blowing. Abuse? Am I actually in an abusive marriage? He had convinced me… he made me believe most of it was my fault. I had apologized after listening to his reasons for destroying/throwing things/taking stuff. I let him come back home. He was manipulating me… and I was believing him. So the next day, after posting and reading some responses… I packed up some of my things and left.

I’ve been living with my mom for the past 2 weeks now. I have my 2nd session with a therapist tonight, hopefully to go over the constant anxiety I’ve been feeling the past few weeks. 

You know the worst part about all of this? He still thinks it was my fault. He texted me and told me I was “selfish” and “only thinking of myself” for leaving. If I “was actually invested in our marriage” I would go and talk to him, face to face. He sent this text: “I’m the biggest fucking animal because I broke things. But what about you?”

I’m hoping I can take the correct steps to heal myself, to deal with my own anxiety (and to figure out why I freaked so bad when he cornered me). This is the last straw. I’m trying to walk away… but it’s so hard. 

4 thoughts on “Life turned upside down.. Violence..”

  1. Nothing that happened was your fault. This is a common tactic abusers have to manipulate you into staying so that they can abuse you more. He’s throwing a rage and destroying your property because he wants to control you into staying with him. Realize the problem isn’t in you, it’s in him. You are strong for getting help and walking out of that relationship for your safety. You need as much support as you can get.

  2. ↑↑ I fully agree.

    He’s screaming and yelling at you which means there is zero effective communication. He isn’t channeling his anger properly (ei. Throwing glasses, breaking down a door, denying you personal space). Those ARE his issues, not yours. You both need help from this. I’m glad that you are already taking those steps.

    This isn’t your fault. It isn’t. Say it until you believe it because that’s the truth. Even if you drop a cup or a make a mess it isn’t your fault he’s acting like this. When I drop a cup my on the floor, my husband may not like it, be he understands its an accident. If it upsets him, he’ll leave the scene til I clean it. If I’ve been slacking on the house he’ll say “Hey, the house is really bugging me. Can you clean it?” And he’ll leave it like that. After all, if it bothers him that bad, he could always clean it himself.

    This isn’t going to get fixed until your husband seeks help for his anger. All too often we read new stories where some poor woman lost her life due to domestic violence. Don’t let that be you. YOU deserve better.

    If it’s any consolation, it can be fixed. There is redemption to be had. I’ve walked in your shoes. I’m just lucky enough that my husband loves his family enough to get the help he desperately needed. We were separated for over a year. In that time he worked on his issues. I worked on my own. After that year apart we decided to try again. I’ve yet to see a hint of anger in him yet.

  3. Thank you both for your kind words. My #1 obstacle to tackle in my therapy sessions is to not feel so guilty. Everyone keeps telling me it’s not my fault, but I guess my brain is having a hard time accepting it. I hope one day soon I can finally accept it.

    We talked a little last night, and he said some things that were of even more concern. He refuses to seek therapy by himself (he wants to work on our marriage problems, but I kept telling him his anger was not about our marriage, but himself) until he finally said, “I caused your anxiety, you caused my anger.” After that I told him “I’m done.” He won’t understand or even TRY to understand how I’m feeling.. I have to take the steps to heal, and it can be with or without him.

    Thankfully I have a great support system. A lot of friends to reach out to, my brother and his wife, and my mother and stepdad. And now goodnight journal! I’m going to try to cipher my emotions by writing more.

  4. Glad that you have such a good support team! Use it!!!

    His logic may seem sound to him… but in the real world it’s not rational. You have only the ability to control yourself. So an example of that is your anxiety is caused by how you feel about a situation… much like his anger is his emotional response. He can’t control what you do, but he absolutely can and should control his anger especially if it is making you FEARFUL of him and it is a risk to your health. You can control your anxiety, but you must take steps to do so. Even during the last fight you had with him, you showed signs that you were trying to keep your anxiety in step. Since he can’t respect that (nor boundaries apparently) than you can control in just the way you did (leaving, going to a safe space, and having support).

    You’re doing great!

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