Love, Lust and Liars…

Mood: Pensive

Music: Roger Rabbit – Sleeping With Sirens

TV: Nothing

Doing: Aromatherapy Bath


Already on post two, day one. My thoughts stemmed from my short walk to the bathroom where my eyes meandered to the bedroom I occasionally share with my ex (I’m pregnant and the bed we sleep on is mine and a gift from my mother) and child’s father while my mind wandered to my boyfriend and an ex of mine.

A few days ago, or more or less about a week ago, I received a text from my ex (and high school sweetheart/first love) Nick. It read as follows:

Nick: It’s funny I changed suddenly and I see what Johnny meant.

Me: What do you mean?

Nick: I’m more confident, passionate, caring and enjoying life. I was lonely, always felt like I was missing something and I now figured it out. It was you. You make me feel complete in a way I guess I was waiting for you the whole time. I just wanted you to know. I’ll let that sink in.

This is not the first time I ever received something like that from an ex or friend.

Now, before I go any further I feel the need to inform you that I am not a 120 pound, eccentric or overly stunning blonde. In fact, the polar opposite. No extra info needed. I am also not fishing for compliments or “Go you!”s or whatever.

I wonder if you can love someone to the point of toxicity? I count three, potentially four if you count a good bisexual friend of mine that have all told me they haven’t been able to find better. Now I wish this was some sort of middle school stupidity and I could say “It’s only been a few weeks.”


For Nick it’s been almost 6 going on 7 years. Alex, going on 4, and Maddoxx, going on 2ish.

Alex hasn’t even tried to be with anyone since me. Maddoxx… Well. We’ve got a hellish history of our own. Nick has tried but failed. All of the above make me feel guilty.

That’s three different people who have either been ‘blessed’ or cursed, and I honestly can’t figure out which. It may seem childish, but it is something that has been weighing on my conscience.

Now the person I’m with currently, Jake… He’s a whole ‘nother story. I’m waiting for that ship to sink.

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