Why i have problems with sex

Sex for me is a mix of pleasure and trauma. It can be something wonderful but sometimes it strangely brings out anger almost to the point of violence. Why? All started in childhood. I was taught to hate sex in a way. It was “forbidden ” by my mom to discuss even though I begged her to discuss it. After me and my mom tried to separate from my abusive father, we ending up going back to him after he manipulated her to stay with him. One night I woke up to the sound of them having sex and I walked over to their room pounding on the door. I wasn’t embarrassed. I wasn’t curious. I was angry. I was angry because he didn’t deserve it after what he did and she gave it to him. I angrily broke them up and he got mad and threatened to hurt me if I didn’t calm down. I angrily pleaded with her until she would tell me the Truth but she never did. She would tell me “when you are old enough to understand, I’ll explain it to you.. ” well guess what – that day never came. I hit puberty and I was afraid, confused, desperate, depressed, self loathful because there was no one there to guide me. I didn’t turn to porn because I enjoyed it. I hated it. I turned to porn to teach me about sex because everyone around me kept hiding it from me. I was so sick and tired of people telling me what I was too young to understand so I decided to learn about it on my own but what angered me even more was the fact that my mom gave her body so carelessly away to men who abused her. What does that kind of person know about love? That’s why sometimes I get riled up about it because it reminds me of my parents. Sex isn’t always about love or pleasure. For some people, it brings up bad things.


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