This isn’t going to be pretty or have good grammar. I should start by saying that I am the furthest thing from a writer or even witty. I need an outlet though to confess the things that constantly sit on my brain. I know for a fact that I am a sex addict. No that does not mean that I will fuck anything that walks. It also does not mean that I sit in a corner with a shrine to some movie star masturbating all day. I don’t even have the capacity to sit there with someone and have a dirty conversation or even say more than “fuck me harder” when I’m in bed. Maybe I’m the worst type of sex addict out there because I don’t even find my own sex life too be that interesting.
Yet somehow here we are. I know what addiction is because I’ve had many in my life and some that would be definitely qualified as much harder to overcome and I have. The biggest difference between this and that would be that I cannot bring myself to completely abstain from sex. Just like in AA meetings they tell you one is too many and a thousand is never enough. That just doesn’t work when it comes to sex.
You may ask me why don’t I just try to go to SA meetings? Well because I know as soon as I got there I would just be scoping out which guy I plan on seducing and bringing home another day. I would try to take it seriously but I wouldn’t. Sex is too ingrained in everything that I do in life.
I was 9 years old when I got my first playboy and all because I was so into the Spice Girls. Geri had done a full page and I was given it and didn’t even bat an eye to the possibility that it may have been a bit inappropriate. I’m so desensitized to porn and you can forget about my imagination, that went out the window when I was still in high school. I have long since bored of fantasies or the weird things that no one talks about. It’s funny to me that there are men and women over the age of 50 who have never even tried anything more than vaginal intercourse. Yet they will sit there and pine over it, even if they won’t admit to it. Yes, yes of course there are those people that are total opposites to me. Those who have no sex drive at all and I couldn’t tell you which is worse because that would just be a bias opinion.
I think there is so much more to life that I miss due to these unnecessary sexual urges that usually are just due to some ego trip. I need to constantly reassure myself that a man still finds me attractive and somehow I can’t do that just by having a conversation. Oh no… it has to lead to sex otherwise I have failed as a woman. These are the crazy things my brain will tell me just to have another night of mostly unappealing disappointing sex. I can count the number of guys on one hand that I actually remember detail for detail. The rest is a blur.
So my friend I barely see suggested I keep track of the all the men I sleep with on a calendar to trace the patterns and figure out why I go out and do these things on certain days. So I found this website and thought this might be a good way to track things. Of course this has to be public because otherwise it’s no different than keeping it in my own head. Even if no one ever reads this, at least I know it’s out there for the entire world and that’s good enough for me. So until next time, these are my anonymous confessions of a sex addict.