Who Am I?

I am someone who had a very difficult childhood, also very blessed in many ways by my precious Grandmother, who taught me music and Bible.  She was a saint, truly.  I once wrote this tiny poem about her, it says it all:        She never hit me, she never yelled at me; she taught me to make raspberry jello.  I do write longer poems, especially sonnets, but that is my shortest poem and very heart-felt.  I wish everyone could have my grandmother for their own.  I try to be like her for my grandsons, only a little more playful.  My grandmother was a bit sad because of the trauma of my mom’s divorce and threats on our lives.  There had never been a divorce in our family.  My grandmother had lived long enough to know that everyone suffers some in this life, and it made her introspective a little.  Never “down”—always gently cheerful; but I could feel her sadness and see it in photos of her.  I get out and run with my boys flying a kite and hitting a softball.  I also teach my boys (grandsons) about Jesus and praying and the older one I have taught many Bible stories to.  The younger one is more autistic, but he adores going to church!  He’s 14 and he will chant, “We’re going to the church, we’re going to the church, I’m soooo happy!!”  Then when he arrives he reads everybody’s name tag and shakes their hand saying “good morning (name)” as if he had known them forever.  The people love him.  The older boy is more emotional (very) and if he slips up and says something mean about someone (he picked up some bad words the year he was in a residential care facility)—he will cry and say his heart is sad.  Then we give him hugs and reassurances (after he apologizes) and his one year young brother Jacob will hold him in a hug and pat his back, saying “It’s okay…it’s okay….” I could break down and cry right now.  I hope somebody is reading this and feeling something.  I love my boys so much.  My Matthew is the one who can blow up occasionally and then cry.  I feel so sorry for him.  He prays with his hands folded and eyes closed: “Please take these bad words out of my head.  And please help me have a good tone (of voice) and a good attitude, Jesus.”  Gradually God is answering that prayer.  A lot hangs on it, because his mother, my daughter, was looking into sending him away again to a residence.  He told the residential social worker “I’ve been really good, so I don’t need to go anywhere.”  If you’re not about to cry yet, here goes.  Another day he was watching his mom filling out paper work and he asked, “Why are you trying to get rid of me?”  It stung her heart and now she is thinking maybe she will not send him away.  But if a place comes open , he’s on the waiting list.  A lot will depend on how he’s done that week.  Prayers gratefully appreciated.  His mom does love him.  My husband and I are not in health enough to take him full time.  At least everyone tells me we are not.  Now, with Ron diagnosed with Parkinson’s, it is pretty definite we couldn’t raise a teenager in our small home with no extra bedroom. I am just trusting his mom’s loving side will see how hard he’s trying and have pity on him.  He is autistic but also bi-polar.  He is a difficult child who doesn’t WANT to be difficult.  He wants to be perfect and tries, and most of his meltdowns are when he is angry at himself.  This is turning into a long, rambling journal…..it was just a lot of really emotional stuff I wanted to write about and share with my new friends on this site.  The rest you might want to know about me is that I married at 19 and have been happily married 46 years to my Ron.  It wasn’t always so happy.  There were those times that do come along.  But God healed our marriage when it was weak and made it stronger than ever.  He also healed me of the various emotional problems I had from childhood.  That’s why I can’t stop talking about Him.  Maybe that helps people understand? Thanks for reading this.

7 thoughts on “Who Am I?”

  1. Hey. You’re older than me since im just an 18 year old but i would like to say that you’re a very strong lady. Im proud of what you did and still do for your loved ones. I just wish your life gets easier, days become happier and nights become peaceful.
    Love, shanzey

  2. Shanzey, bless your heart. Your comment means so much to me. Thank you for reading my long, long entry and responding! Thank you for the good wishes. Love, Lynn

  3. My eyes are tearing up for Matthew. I hope your daughter can find a solution that works for everybody, especially Matthew. Even though he & Jacob are autistic I think it shows huge success that Jacob is able to comfort his brother and show that he cares. Do the boys have good health insurance? If so see if your daughter will consent to having Matthew tested for pyroluria (pyrroles disorder). Since he is diagnosed with both autism and bipolar, it’s worth checking into even if it’s a dead end.

    I loved reading about your grandma, especially teaching you how to make jello. That cracked me up.

    46 is a long time for a marriage these days! Yours and Ron’s commitment to each other is so inspirational. I hope mine makes that long. It just might too since The Man is a definite keeper!

  4. That must be so difficult for your daughter. She sounds like she is so torn in her decision about her son. I know this must be difficult for you too, just waiting to see what the outcome will be. Keep praying and God will give you all the answer. I will keep you all in my prayers. Keep loving those grandchildren. Your love will strengthen them.

  5. This was so sad yet very lovely to read about. You are always so kind and encouraging to the people here–you always have kind and thoughtful words to say–and I think that’s just completely amazing, so thank you so much for that, alone! Many good wishes for you and your family–and I am so glad you have your faith to hold on to and help you! <3<3<3

  6. Wow, what beautiful words and loving wishes from you all! I am at a loss for words.
    Thank you, from my heart! Hugs. I love you all! I’m overwhelmed.

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