It’s been over a month since my last entry

Sometimes I need a break from myself…..but know there isnt a day that goes by that I’m not still super aware that youre not here, think about what happened to to you….that I dont miss you. It is rare though that I give any thought to redacted or redacted. I know I shouldnt go there but once they enter my mind its hard not to let my emotions play out. A song on the radio triggered it…the words “gone but not forgotten, you cut me down just to watch me bleed, gone but not forgotten, you took the last thing you’ll take from me” and I wonder what theyre doing now…if they’re having happy lives….if they’re in love…if they ever think about what they did to you…to your family…to me. I ask myself what would I want them to know. ..I want them to know I still cry almost every night for you…that I never stop missing you….what a great guy you were….that they didnt have to kill you…that none of this would have happened if not for them to begin with. I want to hate them so bad…I want them to suffer for what they did….the dark side of me wants to shoot them in the face! But then I know I can’t even if I could…because what if this is all part of my soul development…what if this is all a lesson we agreed upon before being reincarnated…what if I lost my mind on earth only to lose my soul in the heavens without you forever? My main goal is to get back to you…so I try not to bog myself down with hatred that could do more damage than good…and I cant shame my kids and grandkids who have lessons of their own to deal with…I wont create another monster under their beds…the only true way for your killers to suffer is remorse for killing you….to have to feel the wrong in their bones…to weep from their hearts…to realize the enormity of the consequences for our family…..to feel my broken heart…to be broken hearted for their selfishness…to be so disappointed in themselves they grieve for the days before they killed you and were clean….I can’t make them feel that….but they cant escape their karma…I hope somewhere in the deepest recesses of their mind they know there is pain waiting for them too…because sooner or later they will have to own it….

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