I am awake and thinking. I shouldn’t be awake at all. I should be curled up in my bed, catching what little sleep I am able to get before my 6 week old son wakes me up wanting to eat and needing medicine. And yet, I cannot bring myself to find peace long enough to fall asleep. I cannot shut off the thoughts in my head long enough either. So here I am, blabbering on and on until all the thoughts in my head are in words for everyone to see.
Allow me to begin with my main worry… my son, Arik. He is 6 weeks old and has what is known as Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia: 21 – hydroxylase deficiency, (Salt Wasting Deficiency). This illness is lifelong, meaning he will always have it. With this disease, comes the need of multiple medications. These medications keep his body where it needs to be. If he misses any of his medications, he can get terribly sick and end up in the hospital… or he dies. So here I am, a new mother, worried about all of this. Also because of the fact that he is taking all of these medicines at certain times during the day, I am unable to work making my husband the only provider financially… (My second worry; we will get to him in another journal.)… I do not have many friends that fully understand what I am going through personally, so I turned to just writing a journal about it. Maybe getting my thoughts out about this may help me in some way. I bottle up my worry, pain, anxiety, and fear, and try my best to give the best life to my baby boy. They say that god only gives you what he believes you can handle, well I feel like I am failing at this mom thing. My son has already been in the hospital twice and I am scared he may end up back there. If I miss his meds, he ends up sick and in the hospital… if he doesn’t get enough in his system, he ends up in the hospital… or he dies… I am not sure how to handle this. I make sure he gets his medicine, but I worry that I will one day wake up from missing an alarm and I will find my son either extremely ill, or I will find out that he passed away from my negligence… I’m scared… I need help… I pray for guidance, I ask friends for advice, I even ask my parents… I seem to get the same answer… Stop Worrying, He will be fine… Can someone tell me something other than “stop worrying”? I feel like now that I have written all of this down and read through it, that someone will just think that I am just whining and complaining, and maybe they are right… Maybe that is all I am doing, but it helps me cope with my worries since everything else I have tried seems hopeless. Oh well…
I believe I have written enough for one night. I am close to tears now, so maybe I can get a little rest. If I cannot, well I guess it will be a very long night for this new mom.
Signing off, Goodnight Everyone.