how do you tell someone that your life is a mess? how do you just wake up and decide todays the day you actually work on fixing yourself for good. how does one think about the difference between right and wrong and veer towards the better answer.
Ive been trying to find myself, and I get little pieces here and there but there’s always something missing. “all the drugs may keep you up but your going down” and what if I am? what if the only cure is the one person who will never talk to me again. or even worse what if that person is me. I cant handle my feelings let alone hold myself up while im spiraling into a black hole of nothingness.
how do I stop shaking and take control of my emotions. what am I even thinking right now? I just let my hands type against the keys and I don’t think about the words that I create. is that a good or a bad thing? how do I know that im not pushing myself farther and farther into hell. im pretty sure I went from a socially perfect person to an asshole to a lonely confused girl to someone who is trying to pick up the pieces. but whatever I did, it seriously had an impact on the way my life has turned out.
I wrote a letter to an old friend today. I begged for forgiveness and admitted to all of the things I did wrong for so long. I apologized for hurting her and I hope she knows how truly sorry I am. that’s what this is about. learning from my mistakes. not as a rape victim. not as a mentally ill person. but as plain old me.
maybe I just need to focus more on who I am.