Time Lost

Four o’clock, my fiance left for work.  I watched a little television, and I feel like maybe an hour has passed since then.  I feel like it’s maybe five, or just shortly after.  But it’s 9:10.  In reality, five hours have passed.  I don’t know where that time went.  How do you lose four whole hours?  I didn’t get lost in a show.  In fact, I only remember watching two thirty minute programs and I was just starting another.  But now I’m onto a different show on a different channel?  I don’t remember switching over.  I haven’t eaten.  I haven’t had anything to drink.  What am I doing?  Where is it I go when this happens?  How did it go from mid-day to after dark in such a short period of time?  I haven’t been sleeping.  It’s just that… It’s like someone hits the “skip chapter” button on the remote, and suddenly, in the blink of an eye, I’m hours in the future, completely unaware of what I’m doing or how I got to that point.  I don’t think I’m blacking out.  Like I said, it’s not that I’m falling asleep.  I just lose consciousness.  Suddenly, my mind goes completely blank, and it’s like I disappear.  My brain leaves my body.  

I don’t know what any of this means.  I don’t know how to fix it.  I can’t afford a doctor.  Sometimes, I can feel it happening, and I can try to prevent it.  But sometimes, especially if I’m alone, there’s no stopping it.  I’ve had people tell me what it’s like.  They say I become like a doll.  I stop moving, I stop talking… Sometimes, I’ll get up and walk around, only to sit back down.  Or I’ll arbitrarily toy with things, or flip through channels.  My fiance says it’s like I’m not even completely aware of what’s going on, like I’m dreaming.  I go completely on autopilot.  

I want to write this down now before I forget.  Because I will forget.  I need to go lay down.

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