With me not being so good with words, and explaining how I feel, I have decided to write you this letter. With hope.
The first thing I want to say is I’m sorry. For the hurt I caused you when we split up, and for when you got back in touch with me (which I thought would never happen). I didn’t take the chance when you got back in contact with me, and I really don’t know why.
If you only knew how hard it really is for me to tell how I truly feel. I really what we had, and I’ve still kept the memories in a folder on my computer. I’ve even kept a playlist of all the songs we used to sing along to.
I’ve never been able to tell you the real reason why I ended it so suddenly, and the reasons I gave are thing I know we could have worked on. The real is was due to own mental health. I could see myself getting worse, and with everything that’s happened, I didn’t want to drag you down. I thought it was easier to try and run away, but it wasn’t. It’s been harder ever since.
I know none of this makes sense with me being in a relationship (imagine me and Rhys all over again!) but I really need you to understand. This is not easy, to be in this relationship, knowing I said ‘no’ to the one man that made me truly happy in life.
I still think of all the happy memories we had, auditioning for BGT, going to the cinema (your face when I dragged you to Fred was priceless!), starting a family, just sitting in your bedroom playing Solitaire, Nickelback.
Deep down, I’m still heartstrong about you, and hopeful to get a second chance in the future. This is the only way I’m able to contact you, as I’m aware you’ve blocked me on all social media (which is a shame, I enjoyed slyly see what you were doing, I don’t think in a stalkish way). You were the lullaby that got me to sleep, my favourite ‘hello’ and ‘goodnight’. You encouraged me to do well, and I did! 4 NVQS and I now have a stable job which I enjoy. I still wear the rings you gave me, so I know you’ll always be a part of me. Along with ‘The Notebook’ DVD which your mum gave me. I sometimes sit and watch it, and remember exactly what our relationship was like. I have two songs I haven’t listen to since we broke up. GooGoo Dolls and Daughtry. They bring everything.
I know I’ve well and truly fucked it this time, and I know I’ve probably got no chance of us getting back together, but I would love for you read this and really think things through, even if it means moving 40 miles away to Goole, I will, just to be with you. I wish I could take back everything I said and did, and start again. You’ve been constantly on my mind since you stopped contact. and it really hurts. It’s true what they say, that you never forget your first love. I understand we’ve had some really difficult time, but we’ve pulled through, and I really hope we can pull through this one. These feelings for you have never, ever changed. I love you so much Matthew, and I really hope you contact me.