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One step at a time..

“One foot in front of the other.. I’m gonna get through this.. one way or another! ”

-Four Year Strong

 

At this very moment I’m feeling okay. I can’t guarantee you that I won’t curl up into a ball under my desk at work and start sobbing in 10 minutes. But right now? I’m okay.

I’d really like to say thank you to the beautiful souls who commented on my last journal. I wasn’t expecting anyone to respond, but honestly, it helped a lot. So thank you.

I’ve been so up and down these past few days. Crying uncontrollably, being so angry all I want to do is sit on my bed and fume, having anxiety attacks, and so much more. I keep thinking: when will this end? When can I finally take a breath?

We spoke on Monday and that was the last time he had reached out to me. I’m not sure if it would be better or worse if he showed that he cared. Facebook definitely isn’t helping, so I’ve been trying to stay off of it. How dare he be happy while I’m miserable? But I know it’s just a facade, social media tends to do that. He posted about a soccer game that he had originally purchased tickets for me, because I had never been to one. 

In my head… I knew that if we hadn’t had that big fight, I would have been at that game with him. Holding hands. Laughing. Smiling. Being happily married. I don’t know why it affected me so bad. My therapist said I’m going to be going through the “grieving” stages, and to embrace all of my emotions as I get them. All I want to do is drown myself in alcohol, but unfortunately I’ve never been that big of a drinker, so even that’s hard to do.

I was able to play a video game for more than a few minutes last night. I know that this is just a typical defense mechanism, but if I can get 10 minutes of silence from the noise in my head, I’ll take it. I started a free trial of WoW with a friend of mine and it helped a lot. Being in fantasy land. Casting magic. Being nerdy. I’m trying to embrace that side of me.

I really liked the picture that I posted for this journal. I’m trying to be strong, and I might not see it yet, but one day I’ll look back on these journals and say: I did it.

Thank you for reading.

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