My relationship with sleep is something I have battled with throughout my life. Maybe it is because of everything I have been through (I will discuss that when im ready in a separate entry) or maybe I was born with it? Is that possible? To be born with the inability to sleep? Isnt that supposed to be an innate human ability. Its a question I have asked myself many times during a sleepless night.
A particular irrational thought I have often when I cant sleep is the silent wishing/possibilities of being born with a button that can be switched on/off. Imagine that? Imagine there was no effort involved in the use of this button. Wow, you simply go to bed when you want to and set a timer to “switch on” at a certain time the next day and literally, you just switch off into a blissful, uninterrupted deep sleep of beautiful dreams. Wouldn’t that be amazing? Of course i know this is completely insane and there is and never will be anything close to that sort of notion, but still.. I do let myself fantiscise about it sometimes. Furthermore, imagine if we had a reset button but were able to choose what data we would like to save! Now im sure that would be an exceptionally useful tool to millions across the world.
Coming back to reality, my sleep issue is somewhat less colourful. It’s frustrationg, tiring, has probably aged me beyond my years already, is most likely the reason for my hormonal imbalance, is the reason im unable to live the way i should be living. A normal person would probably be amazed by how much mental thought i actually give my sleep. I think i could probably be a sleep expert due to the endless research i have done over the years, how it works, it’s benefits, how to get it etc. I refuse to medicate after trying it once and feeling like a brain dead zombie. What is the point of that? Id rather not sleep and still feel better than i did with medication. But i have tried almost every natural remedy, technique, pattern ever invented. I haven’t yet found what works for me..
Over the years, from studying myself i have realised that i have phases of good/bad sleep patterns. These phases can vary in lengths from days to weeks. They usually depend on what i have going on in my life and stress levels. The feeling of something pending in the morning is the worst thing ever. I spend the whole night worrying about not sleeping and being tired and guess what happens, exactly that! The point im at within my menstrual cycle, in the last few years has become a particular contributor. I’m not really sure if this is because i have become aware of it or it’s just started having an effect on my sleep quality. Either way, i have found the week upcoming my period is almost sleepless with extreme anxiety and a hollow sadness in my belly. I am currently at 2 days before my period hence why i am writing this post.
On a brighter note, i try my best to not let it hold me back. It isn’t the sole reason for the hardships in my life, just an annoying contributor that makes my journey more difficult. I have hope to cure myself one day, maybe when i find happiness and am content it will miraculously disappear. Who knows? What i do know is i wont stop trying =)