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Talkative Spirits

10/9/15 I dwell endlessly without closure about the things I hear. I don’t follow my problems, they follow me. I have so very little credibility revolving around my sanity…fair enough. However, this experience has been real to me the whole time. It has been fairly easy to find faults with myself and to induce their repetitive and jibing insults at my pride. These insults affect my already defeatist attitude. It is difficult to remain positive.

10/18/15 They are free to invest their time on other things. I am merely “pathetic” and my retaliation justifies their insults. Despite this, I will live to be 80 and forget the dumbass situation my life is currently playing out. I don’t need to be defended, either (some of the voices do this). I am aware of my self-perceived inadequacies and resent anyone who dares to bring attention to them in some weak and below the belt attempt to undermine me. Who the fuck are they? I’ll call out an entire room aware of how dumb it looks and yet knowing that I am right. Nothing satisfies my anger for the moment.

11/4/15 I annoy myself. This illness has made me unrecognizable, mentally. On occasion I experience intrusive thoughts that don’t reflect how I feel. I must appear crazy, but I’ve grown to hate the word.

12/5/15 I cannot trust a word of it, as I write this they talk incessantly–so many different and conflicting opinions about me. I know who I am, but I don’t need to hear what others think of me. I believe I heard a woman scoff at me, claiming that I enjoyed the negative attention. I am always left confused and wondering why they won’t leave me alone.

12/13/16 I had a dream the other night that St. Michael visited me, but he had the appearance of a monk. He pulled me aside and confided in me that he knew about my situation and he was concerned. I think I’m becoming desperate.

1/23/16 The way I see it is that they are freeloaders living in my home. I am not the slightest bit mesmerized by what they are or can do. They choose to lie about many things when given the chance…I suppose they think it’s funny. I am irritated with the idea of spirit guides because I do not believe in them. It would be naive of me to respect all spirits knowing now that they are just people…I have not received respect since this all started.

1/27/16 The voices are persistent (“talk to us”). I’ve been insulted and insulting, and I continue to distrust them. I could be in the company of miscreants and perverts or condescending and beautiful beings. My art is getting worse and I do not want to work on it due to the distracting comments (“what the fuck did you do to her?”) I feel like a zoo animal at times. I want to believe it’s all in my head, but I don’t and I can’t go back to my old way of thinking.

2/9/16 I felt a rage for three hours…I have felt pity at times and guilt for my anger, but it is too much to take. I have nowhere to hide. Why should a voice need my company in the company of many? I thought I heard my father last night, saying “she desperately needs help.” It broke me down even more. I felt so bad and negative. “It’s too hard for her.”

2/11/16 I gave my classmate a ride home from school and after I dropped him off the voices became very talkative as if they were wanting to share his thoughts with me. I couldn’t understand what they were saying and didn’t try to, but it was unusual behavior. If I try to talk to the voices my thoughts become littered with shameful words just out of fear of saying them…I always appear stupid. The other day, I went out to buy socks and a nasty young female voice yelled at me “you’re pathetic” which was laughable at the time. I’ve lost a lot of weight lately though and I think it’s slightly from the pressure of being watched. Anyways, I haven’t been paying a lot of attention to what they’re saying but I am being defended on a daily basis (“leave her alone”–“it’s not funny!”) I still can’t wrap my head around how many of them there are, but I have cried every day for a week.

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