My Confused, Worried heart..

A lot of things have gone by, well I can say that all are going great but still I have a confused and worried heart.. Well me and my ex are getting along, he really pushed his limits to do so much effort just to show how he badly wanted me to be back. Well I can’t say that we’re together again, I still want more time to think about it especially when I know that the situation is really, really complicated. He said he can wait. So nothing more about that. I’m worried and confused about my mom. I think she has a separation anxiety and sort of a toxic mother so that’s why I don’t know what to do. She’s a very loving mom, but I can’t say that she’s a supportive one. She don’t want me to be surrounded by any boys, thinking that they’ll steal me from her (so I don’t want to imagine what she will do once she found out that we are getting along again).  She always thinks that it’s me and her till the end. Honestly, I wanted to give all the love that I can give to her, I know she’s broken, her heart was broken by my brother. But I can understand my brother, maybe he can’t handle having a toxic mother – toxic in a way wherein she never let her kids grow, she’s overprotective, suspicious, and always say that family should come first. That we should never disobey her because she’s the mother. Well I know that what she says is true, but sometimes, it’s just too much. I’m tired, sometimes I get tired taking good care of her, and once I did something wrong, she’ll blame me and will speak the unnecessary words like I am just some kind of stupid daughter who is not a good provider to them. According to the psychiatrist, I feel so alone, that’s where my depression is coming. She always think of how she feels and what she wanted and neglecting my own feelings. Like she mentioned that she is satisfied right now, like she wanted to be just forever like this (me as single? me as alone?) well it really hurts me so much.  I don’t know, I’m really confused on what to do to her. I’m also worried about myself because I know I don’t have all the support that I can get from my parents.  I feel bad for feeling like this to my own mother. But I just wish sometimes that she’ll inspired me, to grow – not to always tell her to obey her no matter what because she is always right.

2 thoughts on “My Confused, Worried heart..”

  1. Dear Hyacinth, you have every right to grow up and establish a family of your own. If your mom has been hurt, that’s why she’s clinging so much, but she needs to let you go at the proper time. You’ll always be close to her and considerate, I am sure. And if you are 18 now (guessing by your name) that is a little too young to think marriage, most likely. I went the other way, and let my daughter marry at 17—he seemed so good—then they were divorced 9 years later. I was over protective, too, and trying to rise above it. So your mom probably has some wisdom, but being held too tightly (emotionally) is painful and wearying. I don’t have a good answer, dear girl. You are respectful of your parents and you are not talking bad about Mom just telling the truth. God will bless you for honoring them. But in time, you have every right to marry and have your own children. I hope it will be wonderful when it comes! Bless you.

  2. Hello savedbygrace, thanks for the comment. I really appreciate it. Yeah, actually, I saw a psychiatrist because I am having a lot of depression this last few months. I stopped going out and hanging out with friends, and just follow my mom (and also my dad) to stay at home so their heart would be at peace. I am actually 26 yrs old. They say that at this age I should be having fun or being adventurous like the others. But they don’t like it that way. They just want me at home, watching movies by myself. I can say that I haven’t done anything before to ruin their trust, but maybe, their ruined trust with my brother affects them about me. I can really understand their fear, I can understand them. But sometimes, it’s just too much for me to handle. I’m still praying and hoping that someday, they’ll heal. God bless.

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