I do think of myself as someone who is very giving. But these last few days, I have sat here and tried so whole heartedly to have my warmth reach you. Now, I am not entirely sure how spiritual I am – yet alone how non-spiritual you are, but I can’t help but hope that all these thoughts I have been having and wondering if you are okay are genuinely reaching you. I am hoping that you do feel supported – not by just me but in general. It’s strange. When things like this happen to people, of course everyone sends their ‘prayers’, ‘wishes’ and ‘thoughts’. But I know that sometimes this is due to also making themselves feel good about something. I do it too – and quite often. But this time, it hasn’t had anything to do with making myself feel better about sending my ‘prayers’. I think this is the first time I genuinely feel selfless in wanting you to be okay. The last couple of weeks I have laid in bed at night and thought about us – in so many respects: memories, possibilities, how you make me feel etc… But the last few nights it hasn’t been so much about that. I have been thinking about where you are and wondering if you are coping.
I think there has always been something about you where I have prioritised your happiness over mine. Not in a dramatic way or anything. For instance, I read my journal from 2009 last week. There is a lot about you in there. How head over heels I was for you is crazy. And then I got to the part where you and I quickly drifted and I realised you had a girlfriend. The journal entry wasn’t me being upset or angry – like a similar incident with someone else I assumed to have liked in 2008. Instead, I had explained that though I was shattered, I knew you must have knew what you wanted and hoped you were happy. I even wrote about not hating your girlfriend – which by the way is a pretty huge deal if you read about how I handled a similar incident a year prior to that. Now in 2016, and reading those entries, I cant help but think how mature that was for me to consider. I clearly have always cared about you. And it has definitely paid off. It meant that nothing was ever ruined between us and allowed us to reconnect again after all these years.
I will continue to hope that the warmth I feel in my heart when I think of you at this time is somehow spiritually travelling to you and giving you support – even if it’s for the slightest of moments. I know you know I care. I just hope you can truly feel it too.