I think Rob and I are done. He told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship like at all. While I am not ready either, how I can move forward knowing that I might be wasting my time and that he will never want to go where I want to go? I text him a little bit ago telling him that I would rather let him think about how he feels than never see him again, but I don’t think he will respond. I feel bad. But, I am something to be sure about and he wasn’t sure. I understand if he isn’t ready, but I need someone to be. I need someone to be sure. He made me really happy and I told him that. I might try again later, even if I push him away at least I tried. I was just so mad earlier because I was excited about him, I talked about him, and I thought we were good together. How can I just be the girl he has sex with and hangs out with every so often? I just don’t think I am comfortable with that.
I realized on my way home that maybe God was trying to help me realize what I wanted. I’ve been confused about whether I want to just date or if I want to work toward a relationship. And I think now that I have know guys like Austin and Rob, maybe I do want something more, even though I am still healing. I want someone to help me heal. I’m not the kind of person who wants to do that all by myself. For a short amount of time, yes I need alone time. But I like to heal with love, with the love others give me, and the love I can give to someone else.
God, if this door shuts, stop me from begging you to open it again. I have seen many times before that you always have something amazing waiting behind another door. It hurts but I lean on you for comfort and support like I always do. I will try my best to do what I feel like is right to a certain point, but I am starting to realize when things are really over and when you have pulled something away from me for a reason. I know you see more than me, I know you know more than me. And I trust you completely with my life and my path and my future. I pray for healing, so that my heart can be ready for the next one. But I also pray that the next one will be ready for me. Because this constant disappointment is getting so old and it’s starting to make the hurt worse and I feel like it is changing my heart, God, and I don’t want to be bitter, I don’t want to be skeptical, and I don’t want to ruin things with my anger or residual pain. Thank you so much for my support group. My family, my friends. I would not be able to get through this life without them. I know it’s seems ridiculous, but God, help me see my own self worth. I know in my heart that you made me in your image and I am wonderfully made and beautiful and worth someone who sees that, but I feel so drained when someone doesn’t like me as much as I like them. I feel like it’s my fault. I know you know that, I know you see that. And I am trying to continuously build myself up again and you help me so much, God. I love waking up every day knowing you are with me, and that I am woken up by your sunshine. I am so thankful for being in the place I am right now. I never, EVER would have thought I would find Jesus like I did and the family I gained along the way. It was amazing… and it’s my story, and I love it. Thank you God for my life, forgive me for my sins and help me live a more Christ-centered life. In Jesus’ name AMEN.
It doesn’t make it hurt any less, but one day when it stops hurting, all this praying and all this building myself up will pay off and it will be there when I shake off all this nonsense. When I find a man who I will grow with, who I will rightfully love and who loves me just as much. I’m just waiting for that day. I can feel it coming. I can feel God working as much as I can feel his ever-present love surrounding me everyday. I was going to do my bible study tonight but I actually really enjoy doing it at work. I finished three or four just within the few hours I was there. It’s really quiet and I have a big computer in front of me. It’s perfect. And tomorrow isn’t a processing day so it should be super quiet. They are only supposed to be 20 minute studies but I do a lot of them within a day because I want to learn more and the study I got is really interesting. I can’t wait to finish it and go back for another one.
I am getting a lot of hours at work because I have been covering Bailey’s shift. Like a lot of hours. It’s going to suck when I go back to my normal work schedule next week. Actually I don’t even think next week is July anymore. So I will be on an August schedule. And then that will change again and I will be thrown into Fall semester where the real nightmare begins…. I really want to find a prayer group. I think this Fall will be really great for me and my faith. I know I have a ton of time on my hands right now which is good for doing bible studies because I definitely won’t have much time during the semester. But I think I will talk to God a lot during the semester. I talk to him a lot right now, but I know I will need Him then as much as I do now.
I learned the best thing from my bible study today and I should have been thinking about it when I started to feel like I was having an anxiety attack. The same God who takes care of you today, will take care of you tomorrow. Like, that is huge for me because I always try to focus on the now instead of the past or future because right now is happening and I will never get this moment back. God will be there when I wake up in the morning and he will be there when I go to bed tomorrow night, just like he did today. He will always be there and I will always be talking to him and he will always take care of me.