Disclaimer: it may be hard to fully understand what I’m talking about if you haven’t read my last post
Growing up I knew my mom was always telling me lies but I could never say anything because she would chop off my hair, beat me up, lock me in my room for a day or two, or just leave for days, weeks, or months at a time. There were always taboos that we would never mention in our conversations. The main one was my dad. Is my dad. However, the rest of my family doesn’t have that taboo so one day I asked my aunt a few questions to appease my curiosity.
We were in the car and out of the blue I asked her to tell me about my dad. She said she never knew him personally and she doesn’t even know his name but she knew one thing. My mom had gone to search for him a few years ago and she met up with him. The reasons why she did that is unknown at this moment. My aunt continues to tell me how my mom found him and kept it a secret from me. I then asked what his racial background was because I want to know where I am from and my personal background but once again, my aunt had no idea. I then asked her what she does know. She told me that my mother was 13 while he was 19 and my mom would always sneak out at night to have sex with my dad. When I heard this I was pretty disturbed because who in their right mind has sex at 13 with a 19-year old?? She also said the reason why they ended things was because he got caught up in some drugs and illegal business.
But, oh wait. Things get even better.
My aunt also told me that he has a family. A family. Of his own. At that moment I wondered if he even knew I existed or where he was or if I looked like him and I had all the questions to ask but no one around me to give any answers. Keep in mind that when I heard the word family I just assumed that he has a wife or something but that’s when my aunt dropped the bomb that I have an 8-year old half sister. I can honestly never have to talk to my dad but all I want to do is meet my sister one day and be apart of her life. It may sound weird because they might not even know I exist but my aunt said my mom thought she looked just like me. This may be unexplainable and I may sound crazy but I always knew my mom kept things from me and I always made a joke that I probably have a sister I dot know about somewhere in the world. As it turns out, I do. At this moment in time, I do not know anything about my dad or my sister. I just know that they exist. That’s enough for me right now because when I get older and free from my mom, I want to find them myself and have a conversation. Chances are that my dad is a horrible human being but he is still blood and I want to meet him even if that sounds naive.
If I were ever to get the opportunity to ask a list of questions, here is what I would like to ask:
For my dad. Why did you get involved with my mom in the first place? Why did you really separate? Did you know about me before you left? Why didn’t you stay? have you known about me since my mom visited you? If so, why haven’t you tried to look for me? Don’t you want to say something to me? What is your racial background? Do you have any advice for me? Do you want to know anything about me? Do you want any part of my life right now? Was it easy to move on and create a whole new family? Are you a good dad to your other daughter now?
For my sister. What’s your name? How old are you? Do we look alike? Do you want to get to know me? Do you want to come over to my place and hang out?
I have so many things I want to know and I’m going to meet them one day and hopefully things turn out well. If not, at least I tried to get some closure. I really just have wanted to have a sister all my life and I want to be able to get to show I can be a good sister too.