I Knew It…

Disclaimer: it may be hard to fully understand what I’m talking about if you haven’t read my last post

Growing up I knew my mom was always telling me lies but I could never say anything because she would chop off my hair, beat me up, lock me in my room for a day or two, or just leave for days, weeks, or months at a time. There were always taboos that we would never mention in our conversations. The main one was my dad. Is my dad. However, the rest of my family doesn’t have that taboo so one day I asked my aunt a few questions to appease my curiosity. 

We were in the car and out of the blue I asked her to tell me about my dad. She said she never knew him personally and she doesn’t even know his name but she knew one thing. My mom had gone to search for him a few years ago and she met up with him. The reasons why she did that is unknown at this moment. My aunt continues to tell me how my mom found him and kept it a secret from me. I then asked what his racial background was because I want to know where I am from and my personal background but once again, my aunt had no idea. I then asked her what she does know. She told me that my mother was 13 while he was 19 and my mom would always sneak out at night to have sex with my dad. When I heard this I was pretty disturbed because who in their right mind has sex at 13 with a 19-year old?? She also said the reason why they ended things was because he got caught up in some drugs and illegal business. 

But, oh wait. Things get even better. 

My aunt also told me that he has a family. A family. Of his own. At that moment I wondered if he even knew I existed or where he was or if I looked like him and I had all the questions to ask but no one around me to give any answers. Keep in mind that when I heard the word family I just assumed that he has a wife or something but that’s when my aunt dropped the bomb that I have an 8-year old half sister. I can honestly never have to talk to my dad but all I want to do is meet my sister one day and be apart of her life. It may sound weird because they might not even know I exist but my aunt said my mom thought she looked just like me. This may be unexplainable and I may sound crazy but I always knew my mom kept things from me and I always made a joke that I probably have a sister I dot know about somewhere in the world. As it turns out, I do. At this moment in time, I do not know anything about my dad or my sister. I just know that they exist. That’s enough for me right now because when I get older and free from my mom, I want to find them myself and have a conversation. Chances are that my dad is a horrible human being but he is still blood and I want to meet him even if that sounds naive. 

If I were ever to get the opportunity to ask a list of questions, here is what I would like to ask:

For my dad. Why did you get involved with my mom in the first place? Why did you really separate? Did you know about me before you left? Why didn’t you stay? have you known about me since my mom visited you? If so, why haven’t you tried to look for me? Don’t you want to say something to me? What is your racial background? Do you have any advice for me? Do you want to know anything about me? Do you want any part of my life right now? Was it easy to move on and create a whole new family? Are you a good dad to your other daughter now? 

For my sister. What’s your name? How old are you? Do we look alike? Do you want to get to know me? Do you want to come over to my place and hang out? 

I have so many things I want to know and I’m going to meet them one day and hopefully things turn out well. If not, at least I tried to get some closure. I really just have wanted to have a sister all my life and I want to be able to get to show I can be a good sister too. 

One thought on “I Knew It…”

  1. I have read both your journal entries and your story has really touched me. I think the first thing I want to say to you is its more than clear that you haven’t had the best start in life but at the young age of 15 you have the rest of your life ahead of you! I myself am exactly double your age which makes me around the same age as your mum. I’m sorry if what I am about to say may sound harsh darling, your mother should be ashamed of herself! Mainly for the way she has treated you and inflicted pain into your life. Please don’t get me wrong by no means am I saying you should hate her because hate is like a darkness that is consuming and hard to get rid of. I am thinking more of you than anybody else when I say this.

    My advice to you moving forward is.. Try your absolute best to stay with your grandparents. Speak to them directly and ask them if they would keep you in their home long-term or at least until your 18. They sound like good people that love you. If this is possible then it is definitely the best thing for you. A stable home is a basic right every child should have.

    I remember how it feels to be 15, you feel like you are an adult and there isn’t much else that will change you. But when you get to my age you will see it’s just the beginning of the rest of your life. Being a teenager is very confusing for anybody but for you it must be even harder because of all the complications in your life. Do not hurt yourself anymore sweetheart. Don’t be depressed, you are alive, you are young, you have so much life to live. There is a huge world out there and it can be anything you want it to be. There are amazing countries, people from all kinds of backgrounds with all kinds of experiences that you can meet. It is all open for you to have your own adventures out there if you work hard now and focus on the right things.

    Stay with your grandparents, focus on school and your education. Get a job, get some independence, focus on yourself, who you are, what are you good at? From your journal entries I can see you are very well written which tells me you are intelligent. Focus on your strengths. You will notice that all my advice is focused on YOU, not your mother’s mistakes, not your father’s absence. It’s about you! Make your life what will give you a happy future and forget about yesterday. I hope my words have helped. You can email me directly if you want to talk any further.

    Good luck sweetie x

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