Dear Diary

Wow. I did not really expect anyone to comment. Thanks, guys. I should open this thing more and take a look at others’ journals. I don’t do much all day and yet I’m always so busy. What exactly do I do all day, really? Read books, watch anime or something, read more books and … roll on the bed because I can’t sleep. Wow that’s so boring. 

I didn’t sleep last night. Again. Read a book. So I went to bed at 9am in the morning and woke up at 12:45. I regret not eating my breakfast before going to bed. Mum’s so pissed she won’t even yell. And she yells all the time. I honestly cannot remember the last time she spoke nicely to me… Oh, wait, two nights ago, she was showing me a skirt she’d bought. But that lead to some yelling… So… Yeah. Never mind. Anyway, insomnia sucks. Even more so because I’m too afraid of doctors to consult one all by myself. I’m not afraid of surgeons or something, or of their profession or anything like that. When I had my appendix removed, I wasn’t afraid at all. Speaking with doctors about my problems is scary. I don’t know if this has anything to do with social anxiety because I find speaking with anyone scary. Even Mum and Dad. I’d asked Mum once to accompany me to the doctor’s and she said she simply couldn’t spare the money or the time. Which made me wish for a job. I didn’t ask her again. She says I “pretend” to have insomnia. Sometimes she’d go so far as to say that I enjoy being sick and I never know what to say. How do I respond to that? 

Well, I know my life would’ve been different if I were a boy. I’ve never said this out loud, and until recently I’ve never let myself think it either because it’s so painful, but my parents are sexists, racists and homophobic, they believe in casteism, classism and hierarchy of professions, they don’t like people from other religions, castes, classes, races or regions. Among other things. There. I’ve said it. It’s the truth. And I’ve said it. Everyone’s like that here and so I’ve never said it out loud. I’m the odd one because I’m against all these. I hope I haven’t done anything wrong by saying it out loud this way. It’s the truth even if I’m afraid to admit it. It’s the truth and even though I hate it, I hate it so much, but it’s the truth and there shouldn’t be anything wrong with admitting it to myself. And I won’t hate myself for admitting it. I refuse to. 

Ah, fuck.

2 thoughts on “Dear Diary”

  1. This is a great place to vent and to express your honest feelings. Don’t be afraid to be open and honest here. It’s healthy to get it out. It can help you define what you believe—i.e. writing. Take good care of yourself.

  2. My life at present is basically like yours, so even if you think you’re boring (I’m sure you’re really not) at least know that there’s someone who’s wayyy more boring than you out here 🙂 I hope you keep writing, it’s a good way to get rid of some thoughts and be productive at the same time!

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