Done with it

Good morning journal. I was not happy about getting up this morning… I slept so hard that I didn’t hear my alarm go off the first time which never happens. I was having a good dream, too. It was like, good good, but it was just interesting and I guess I didn’t want to wake up from it. I woke up this morning just feeling… empty. All of this emotional stress is just wearing me out. I’m constantly worried; like yesterday after I saw Ryan, I walked away wondering if I did something weird and maybe he changed his mind about liking me or maybe I’m not good enough. 

I feel like once I get out of this fog I am in, I can start really being happy again, but I don’t know when that will be. I have so much going on in my mind and I can’t get away from it. Like I am constantly going back and forth between not feeling good enough but knowing that I am. But I also feel like it’s okay to let myself not feel good enough, because I’m just not really okay right now. In my heart I know I am good enough, but it’s hard to convince myself of that right now and that’s okay because I am still healing. Everything just feels really hard right now

Like this morning, Ryan didn’t text me and I could feel myself starting to worry, but then I said, “No, I shouldn’t care and I don’t care.” Because if he or any other guy doesn’t want me, then I don’t want them. I will hold the door open for them actually. Because I am done feeling like I can’t do anything right and I am not good enough for someone. I’m done with it. I am going to start doing things I like to do again, alone. I might start painting again, and I have been going to gym and feeling great. I might find a new hobby and do that. I need to stop just sitting around and waiting for life to happen; I need to make my own happiness. Then, in God’s good time, someone else will come along and ADD to my happiness, not create it. 

Ugh I just want to go home and sleep. I don’t get off until five though and I still have to go the gym later to get my workouts in. I have to do abs and cardio tonight… yay. I just don’t know what to do all day… I’m about to start watching Grey’s on the computer but I also kind of want to read but all I brought was my Bible study which I will probably start up again. I’ve gotten a lot done this week in my book. 

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