You Were My Prayer.

I can get dressed, turn on the gangster rap and get my boss chick on all day. But the truth is, it doesn’t change the fact that my heart feels empty. That my life feels as if a piece has been stripped away unexpectedly, without warning… A piece in which I would give anything to have back. At times you were my best friend. At times you were my lover. And at other times you were the man who tested me. But you were always the man who was worth it to me. For the first time in three years, running didn’t cross my mind. Challenge after challenge I would find myself reflecting and feeling as if this is how real couples do it. They work through shit. Any elderly couple that has been married for 50+ years will tell you that relationships and marriage are not easy, but they’re worth it. My Mom would tell me that her and my dad didn’t always have it easy, that at times she was really angry and hurt by him… But they always worked through it and she always knew that she had a man who was an excellent provider, who was there for her and who loved her and their children and that was one thing she never questioned, that he loves her. As I sit here, I wonder about our last conversation and I wonder if anyone in that situation ever has the opportunity to sit and think and say all the things in their heart. I know I tried. But I also know I was hurt, shattering and falling apart yet trying to keep it together… Like a bullet to the chest, I never saw it coming. As I told you, I thought we were stronger than this. I thought we were the couple who were strong enough to weather anything at this point… I thought we were the couple that would live happily ever after. No, I didn’t think, I knew. I was certain. Don’t ask me how, given that I have been called shallow and cold more times than I could count. I was the girl with a pessimistic heart until you came along. Then suddenly I was certain of everything. From an email to the boy on my doorstep, holding me tight and saying “You’re real and you’re here”… You held my door, held my hand and stole my heart as you sang “That’s what I love about Sunday’s”… I came home and told my girls that I was going to marry you and until Monday, I was certain of it. The challenges we faced in those few short months, the hardships, they never made me think twice. Even I thought I was crazy at one point, questioning how I could be so sure of something so quickly, yet I was never actually able to convince myself to question it, because no matter how crazy I thought it was, no matter how much I tried to convince myself it was impossible… I just knew. Now, in this moment, I am trying to come to terms with reality. with the fact that I was wrong. And somehow, I’m still not convinced. I want to be, I am sure it would ease the heartache a little if I could just brush it off and move on but how do you give up like that? How do you just lay your armor down at someones feet and say “Okay, I give up”. How do you just give up on someone? How do you just give up on love? In the same token, I am smart enough to know you can’t be the only one fighting. So I sit here for another day, putting on a brave face for the world and wiping the tears as I pray for God to let me know it’s not over. Perhaps my heart is naive but I still run to the door when I hear a loud truck and I jump when the phone rings, hoping and praying that it’s you… Lord knows I am trying to believe you when you said it’s over but I don’t want this…

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