all over the place

Dear Journal,

 Today was just another weird Friday in life. I totally did nothing but sleep in for the beginning part of my day and then I went to my female best friends house to just talk and chill before work and just catch up. We haven’t been able to chill to much lately. Z and Gaby have their moments. I hope the best for them always and I sometimes wish I at least had what they have. But they needed their time and  I don’t do commitments that just gives someone say in your life when its not needed. I live fine freely even through lonely times. I never feel like I can do relationships. But who really needs to be in one. Its 2016 and people are getting harder and harder to trust so why waste time. As of right now my focus is on getting me and toots ahead in life. I do need to be working 2 jobs I stress not being able to afford to do anything at the moment. I’m not use to this. But forget that lets talk about some of my thoughts that have strongly been bothering me. Other then money and relationships.

Well I have been really stressing making changes with myself. I want to change the way I dress and talk. I don’t have money to update my wardrobe at the current moment but I know I do want to throw away all my shorts so that I can’t show off my legs and my butt. Since it now is there I have a small cute butt that I never had before and i don’t like it. It brings to much attention that I have never wanted and can’t get use too. But I want skinny jeans and knee knockers. I want to cover from head to toe as much as possible. As for my language I need to stop cursing so much. I swear I curse like a sailor. Its so bad. But at the same time that is because all I hang out with is boys that curse super bad and I swear they have made it stick to me. But now that I’m not hanging out with them as much I should be able to make the change on how I speak. Every one of my friends is into dating and stuff now and don’t seem to have them time to chill anymore. I miss my friends sometimes because of this but I cant expect them to stay single forever like I plan too. I don’t think it is the plan really but I don’t feel like I can be with just anyone. When I think about my best friend and how much he means to me and the fact that because he has a girlfriend we don’t get to chill as much I get a little sad cause I miss our conversations and our hanging out. But its ok as long as he’s happy I’m happy for him. I just thought he would always be on team single with me. i have been thinking about trying to do some dating but I get so scared and so nervous thinking about it cause I just don’t think I can do it. I have a lot to change about myself first. With time though those changes will be made and everything will be ok. I’ll even like myself a lot more not saying that I don’t already but you know its never a complete feeling. Looks like my mind is running a hundred miles per hour again cause I’m all over the place with my entry for today. I’m going to take a break ill be back at it later or if not tomorrow.


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