Dear Diary

Sometimes I wonder whether I study English for my fandoms or for myself. Is there a difference really? Fuck jobs. I could starve as long as I’ve got books. Sigh. Unfortunately that’s not how the world works. Crap. 

I haven’t got many friends but there is this girl I occasionally hang out with… No, actually, we sometimes sit together in college and tuition. She’s one of those genius people. She’s very intelligent. There are two students I “talk” with and both of them are geniuses. She says she’s pretty introverted, but I always resist the urge to smack her face. I don’t think she even knows what “being introverted” means. She reads Kafka for kicks. I’ve kept my distance from that man and his books. I read this tiny little story by him and that was all I needed to know. Like I said, I’m an idiot. I tried reading his Metamorphosis but I gave up on it. Well, I had to return her the book, but, you know. 

The only person I actually talk with is my Mum. Even if we don’t get along very well, and almost all conversations lead to her yelling, we talk. At least, we talk. If it hadn’t been for her I’m sure I’d have forgotten how to talk. I still hate social gatherings and anything that involves people. I don’t have to talk with them — their very presence makes me panic and I always do or say something stupid. Only the other day when I’d gone to college I hadn’t bothered to enter a classroom. I’d gone straight to the library, renewed my library cards and left for home. We don’t have  to attend classes because the teachers usually don’t take most classes and when they do they hardly ever do anything productive. It’s usually a waste of time. Students attend classes because it’s one of the best excuses to hang out. Our library is a stupid place, too. It’s noisy and with lots of people. You aren’t allowed to take you bag or phone with you when you enter so it’s impossible to copy notes or even study. Students have to pay 2 rupees to xerox a single paper if  the librarian is feeling kind. There are lots of great books in the library. Except students don’t usually go there because it’s a nuisance. Students aren’t allowed to borrow books, either. And it’s a government college and library. We even have a manuscript department there but that’s off limits to students, even though it shouldn’t be. If that hadn’t been the case, I’d have spent hours in the library. I love books. The very sight and smell of them is calming. 

I don’t really like home much. But at least I can hide in my room alone. At college, there are always too many people and it’s suffocating. The heat and sunlight gives me a headache. But I know I can endure it and I know I’m lying to myself when I use that as an excuse to myself for not hanging out with people. People used to ask me to hang out with them. By “people” I mean those two geniuses. But after I refused almost all their invitations they’ve stopped asking me. They’re very nice, though, and they don’t refuse to help me when I need to ask them something. They’re really very kind people. 

Well. Anyway… That’s it I suppose. Yeah. This entry sounds weird and selfish but whatever. I’m not editing it. 

I need some painkillers for a stupid migraine. Is this thing even curable? I really want to get rid of this annoying headache. What causes migraine anyway? Sigh. Painkillers.

Leave a Reply