Have I done too much? Or am I over thinking again? I sent you a message today. One that doesn’t require a reply. But yet I am waiting for one? And the fact that you haven’t has brought me here and to these thoughts. It was a message to show you I’m thinking of you at this hard time. I sent you one similar a few days prior – you replied. And I know that you have so much going on that you don’t have to reply. I guess now I’m hoping that you did not open that message and think “she’s doing too much, trying too hard, I need space”. That would honestly be the worst case scenario for me right now. For you to think I am annoying. I can blame past mistakes for that. I know that I’m not even close to meeting the same threshold of being annoying. But I can’t help but think I’m dipping my foot into it. I’ve always made sure to try my best to not be too much for you and anoy you. I believe sometimes I was bordering crossing that line years ago with a couple of choices I made. I never ever want you to think of me as too much or annoying. No one likes a needy annoyance. I’m scared that I’m that person in your eyes. I’m scared that that one message put me in that category. What if it’s true? If that’s the case, I guess I possibly stuffed up a good thing going. Guess the mystery is that I will never know – which is both a good and a bad thing. Unless you told me of course. Which I highly doubt. Though I do remember you saying years ago after things fizzled out the first time that if I had just asked you, you would have explained things to me about not being ready. But instead I sat there all upset and confused – because I didn’t want to be an annoyance, so I left it. I thought it was better that I didn’t bother you and look needy than peruse anything and search for answers. I’m not even sure if you would have considered that annoying – I just assume you would. And here I am again. Except nothing has even evolved and had the chance to fizzle out.
I find myself waiting for a reply – but at the same time I kind of don’t want you to reply. I don’t know how to explain why I feel like this. Maybe it comes down to me having the last word? And I guess it opens up the opportunity for you to message me again eventually. I know that the world isn’t like that – but it is in my head for some reason. I know damn well that you can message me regardless of who sent the last text. I also know that you are not entitled to reply even though I was the last person to text. I’m stuck in old high school days. I hate it. The world is not made up of rules like that. I haven’t felt like this with anyone but you. I don’t know what it is about you? Is it because you mean that much to me?
The last couple of nights I had been feeling good about us. Just in the scense that I knew we were good and great friends. I had stopped having various thoughts of you run back and fourth through my mind – I started to think about other things going on in my life. But now I’m back to laying in my bed wondering so many things about you and listening to slow heart numbing songs.
I guess I will know in time. After a while I will probably try again if I don’t hear from you. If I don’t still have these feelings. I have a feeling this is all in my head and I know it would be such a shame to lose an opportunity based on something that only exists in my mind. So maybe in time I’ll try again. Happy to wait until after travelling so I don’t miss you more than I already do. I hope I don’t annoy you the way I annoy myself. My mind can be such an evil place for me sometimes. It makes me miss you and tells me that you don’t care about me. Common sense is telling me otherwise – but my mind keeps overtaking me. Maybe one day I won’t have these worries anymore. Maybe one day how I feel about you wont be hindered?