I realize that I do my best writing at night when my son is sleeping. To the people who left me comments on my last journal, Thank You. Your words meant more to me than most would think. To those that just read it, thank you for reading. I am still very worried about my son but not so much. I looked for support groups, but there are not any around my area. I am going to continue the journal writing though.
To begin this little entry, I need to tell you about the man in the picture.
Meet my husband. 😀
He is the only one on this earth who can look at me and automatically understand my thoughts. He is my partner, my lover, my best friend, and now my fellow parent. Life hasn’t really been all that simple for the two of us, but we always manage to make it through.
In my last entry, I mentioned my husband and how I was worried about not being able to work. He is the only one with an income due to our son’s health issues.
My husband is a trucker. He pulls in anywhere between $350 – $800 every week after taxes. What he makes normally depends on the freight he hauls. If he doesn’t have a load to haul, he isn’t making any money. I should probably mention, he is a flat-bedder. He has to get out, throw straps, throw chains, lift heavy tarps (120-180 lbs.), throw those heavy tarps onto 13ft high loads, etc. It is hard work for a 23 year old, but he loves what he does. My husband has never come home and complained about his work, only that he has to be away from our son and myself. He is amazing. I don’t know how he does it.
Well recently I started noticing the longing to stay at home in his eyes when he goes to leave. I know that his work is taking its toll on him and our marriage. I understand that he wants to be home more. I know that when he leaves, he longs to turn his truck around and return to my side as well as say screw the company. He has it hard, and unfortunately, there isn’t a thing I can do or say to make him change jobs. He loves being a semi driver, loves the hard work he does, and he can’t see himself working a standard 9 – 5 every day.
So this brings me to my worries. I see drivers getting hurt on the job. I see accidents happen where drivers roll their trucks. I have been to a few of those calls when I worked fire department. It is not easy watching him leave because I am afraid that I will one day get a call from his company or a hospital telling me that he is either injured or gone. I do my best to show my support but I am not going to lie… I cry every time he leaves. I smile through the tears when he calls me and says, “I may not be able to see you, but I know you are crying and upset. I am doing this for you and Arik. Smile for me. I love you and I will see you when I get home.” It’s hard. I want to tell him to quit his job. I want to tell him that he can find a job close to home that pays well too, but those jobs that offer the same benefits and pay he gets now are not what he wants to do. So tell me what you guys think…
Maybe it is just me being a clingy wife, but I am honestly scared. I don’t want to become a single parent and widow. I just want to be able to have my family together longer than one day out of the weekend. I think I am done writing for the night. Once again, I feel as if I am whining. Oh well…
Signing off, Good Night Everyone.