The Story starts here

Dear Journal,

Ending July of 2016 and the current  moment I am 26 with a 5 year old daughter. She’s about to start Kindergarden in August. And man she is a lot more excited then I am. Truthfully I just want to keep her home forever. I don’t like the world to much and I sure done trust anyone around my daughter. There is so much bad shit in this world who could trust anyone. I know I can’t shelter her from everything but I wish I didn’t have to send her out into this cold cruel world ever and school is just the beginning for her. Its where she will learn to build character and strength and courage and she will start to discover the kind of person she wants to be. I just want whats best for her and I know I can’t keep her away from everything I can just do my best in teaching her right from wrong. That still doesn’t change the fact that I am scared for her. Growing up for me wasn’t easy and I know it is going to be hard for her too cause times are different. Times actually seem to be getting worse. Just hope my faith and hers is enough to help us both get by. We have already been through a lot since she was born and even before but we together are strong and that’s all I can ask God for is to keep blessing us with strength. She’ll do great and be great. I see so many great things in her already there isn’t a chance she’ll be anything less.

 As of a few months back we have been having it tough. Entirely my fault when I really sit down and think about it. I made I giant but stupid decision a few months back in like march to move back to my birth place. Which was the stupidest thing I have ever done. We left to New Jersey to try to start over and find better then what we had her in Florida. But that was a giant fail. I left having 2 good jobs because I was struggling to find us a safe place to call home in Florida cause no matter how much I worked I had more bills then anything that I just could afford to do it on my own. I just couldn’t catch a break and instead of facing it and making it better I left to try to find something better in the wrong place. I went home thinking my family would help me help myself but come on we’re in 2016 family doesn’t mean shit to no one now days. No matter where we were at that moment we weren’t getting anywhere. I left Florida cause our living conditions were unsafe and unhealthy for the both of us but mostly her. She didn’t need to live in a place so unsanitary and falling apart she couldn’t play or even sit down and eat without being at risk of getting sick or something. I really was trying to get us out of there but I could no matter how much I tried. And at that I truth don’t have anyone in my life I can count on. I thought I did at one point but I was wrong. Bad choice of friends and a family that really is content with being unhappy and miserable and sort of disgusting when you really think about it. I needed better for Toots I needed her to always be ok so i choose to leave cause I had an aunt in NJ that promised to help me get on my feet and help me change this bad situation so that me and toots could be safe. But she lied to me. I went home thinking i didn’t need to battle this alone no more but she really didn’t care about helping us if anything she spent more time trying talking about me to the rest of my family that my name and everything i did was the conversation for everyone to talk about. I didn’t do anything but chill at my grandfathers house on the weekends reading books on the couch and talking to my Aunt Iris who was the only person who seemed to care about me and during the week i was home at my dads sisters house which is the aunt that screwed me over in the basement which was mine and toot’s room. I went to work every day worried about my daughter who my Aunt agreed to watch til i got her in school since she isn’t able to work and I would come home to my 4 year old telling she wasn’t left in the basement all day long and that my aunt didn’t feed her. That bitch had the nerve to starve my child. Me and my dads sister were always really close but as they say money is the root to all evil that is when things got bad she owes me $770 now when she use to owe me $1400 for a car she sold me but never gave me instead she kept the money and said she would pay me back that was 2 years ago and it told her for ever to give me $630. As of now she cant keep the $770 its my payment to her for her to never speak to me again i don’t care to have her in my life at all. my aunt had the nerve to make people to think i was fooling around with my cousin while i was in NJ and had the nerve to blame kicking my cousin out on me. That has nothing to do with me. I got tired of being talked about so I came back to Florida and decided that my problems here I could fix but the ones in NJ i didn’t care to fix cause they were fresh and i knew at the end i wasn’t in the wrong at all and I wasn’t what she was trying to make me seem like I was better I just needed to leave before the bad side of me came to light.

Since I’ve been back in Florida yes we are struggling. I’m living on my brothers couch and but at least me and babygirl are together. And we don’t living in my mother  disgusting home which isn’t her fault but still is bad. And this time I’m not giving up soon enough ill have 2 jobs and i’ll have our money right. Being a single mom isn’t easy but its about independence and sacrifice and i know 2 jobs will cut into our time but once the money is right we will be ok and I’ll find a away to dedicate more time to her soon. Just need a little time to get us caught up. I just don’t ever want us to be without all things we need ever again. I have to show her what life is really about. Its about love, hope, faith, sacrifice and independence. If that’s all I can teach her in this life time I know she’ll be ok. Cause as of right now like I said I’m 26 and I’m still learning. I hope to be able to share all hard times and find peace in writing about the good and the bad in my life and finding all my answers in my own words. There will be more details and more to my story to share here. I chose to write her cause i believe some one out there may find themselves in a situation similar to mine and if I’m not giving up they shouldn’t either.

Dear Journal Goodnight for now. more to come with details my life hasn’t been easy but I’m a fighter and i have a lot to say so till The next peace and love to the world.

xoxo  4N3v3rYuRz

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