Do You Even Know?

There are a lot of things you don’t know.

Do you know that I always stare the back of your head in class and just waiting for you to turn around and notice me? Sometimes you look at me too, making faces when the lecture bores the hell out of you and I would make these weird faces that causes you to laugh like a maniac. But other times are plain torture. Those are when you completely ignore my presence or not be bothered by the missing goodbye I wanted to hear from you every time we separate. 

Do you know that I just don’t give what others need from me? But you’re not like the others, you’re my only exception. Not helping you would give me lots of issues I need to think at 12 am and I’m afraid that it would haunt my brain and be guilty for being useless around you.  

Do you know that I decode every move you make? Expecting everyday that you would always stick by my side to annoy me. Assuming your every body movement that there’s somehow a little bit of flirting involved and am always disappointed by the fact that you only treat me as your friend. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Do you know that you can actually break me to pieces? Spending the weekends moping and degrading myself for my petty unrequited love for you. I can no longer locate where to gain those lost pieces I gave. They’re nowhere to be found and so does my hope to love again.

Do you know that I may have already written you a book full of hopeless expectations? And no one ever wrote me a single paragraph about how adorable I am. There are times that I find myself being jealous of you because someone, like me, cares and is afraid to lose you.

Do you know that I like you this much? So much. That I can describe it already as love. That even if I can’t admit the L word, I know that this is more than like. 

Oh yes, you don’t know any of these because risking our friendship is like betting for my happiness. You see, that’s where I made a huge mistake – putting my happiness to a person. Because they’ll always drop it. Always.

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