I been meaning to write down everything that I had been feeling this past five or six weeks. Before starting, I must ask that whom ever reads this to please excuse the butchering that I am about to do to ‘proper writing.’ I choose not to spell check or correct anything that I decides to type down because my mind works quite fast. Not the positive type of fast, but the overthinking and all over the place type. If you find yourself already cringing I suggest you stop reading before it gets more annoying.
Yesterday at the first therapy session my therapist told me that I met the criteria of Schizoaffective disorder. We first started out by me yapping yapping and yapping… You know, the typical get to know your patient type of deal. I told her about what pushed me to seek help from the psychiatrist across the hallway.
A week prior to seeing the Dr. M (psychiatrist) I had full mental breakdowns about three times that week. My cognitive and physical abilities were very impaired. For about two weeks straight I would be like an on and off switch. My mind was often confused, I reacted very slow physically, and constantly messed up at work. I was agitated and frustrated, and I often took it out on my poor husband by picking random and aggressive fights. But like I’ve mentioned, I was an on and off switch almost like a ticking time bomb. I would argue and cry historically then stops suddenly like nothing had ever happened. I would wake up feeling like dying, as if my heart just hurts even when I knew nothing was wrong. And because I felt ‘crazy’ and out of full control that I finally gave in and decided I really needed help, serious help.
When I visited Dr. M I told him how I am extremely anxious, and how badly my anxiety had affected me enough to quit school back in February. I told him that I barely wants to go out in public because my thoughts are so intrusive that everywhere I go I feel as if everyone is against me, talks about me or even laughs at me. Of course, deep down I know I am not that important and everyone don’t have the time to focus all on me. However, my mind bets the difference. So he prescribed me some Risperidal. And like the obsessive self I usually am, I researched online repeatedly about why he gave me these. On the pill description paper that it came with stated that this medication was used to treat: Schizophrenia, Bi-polar, autism disorders. With all these information clustered in my brain I told Dr. K (therapist) “well I don’t have Autism. Why did Dr. M prescribed Rispridal to me? Is it just the intrusive thoughts?” That’s when Dr. K replied “well, you do meet the criteria for schizoaffective and major depressive.” Although there were much more things I spoke to her about but this was the main thing that had my mind wondered until now.
Needless to say, my obsessive and confused self came home and started surfing the web. ‘What is Schizoaffective disorder?’ and ‘what is the difference between Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective disorder?’ flooded my google search. I was extremely confused. But after an hour or so I quickly learned that Schizoaffective disorder is basically a mixture of both Schizophrenia and Bi-polar disorder combined. Fucking wonderful. I refused to believe it. Major depression, impulsiveness, and manic episodes I am familiar with it. But Schizophrenic? I don’t believe it. Yes I hear weird voices here and there, I am paranoid 99.9% of the time while I am awake. But Schizo? No no no. I am not, I can not be. But the more I read about all the symtoms the more it matched what I experience. Although, I only have hallucination once in a blue moon but my delusions are very often. Then it all dawned on me… “oh my fucking god. No no no… Am I really schizo…?” What scared me is not that my confusions finally had answers but the fact that the medications had actually helped and quieted my mind down.
Medical bills, pills, school, and work is all that’s been flooding in my mind. Will I be able to function like other normal people? Will I finally be able to complete school this time? Will I be able to work and not finding the needs to quit to get away from people? I’m scared. No. I’m terrified. I feel so alone.