I am feeling a bit crazy. A bit crazy because today would make it an entire month since I have seen you. An entire month since we sat on your couch until 4am engaged in amazing conversation and laughs whilst the movies we didn’t even watch played in the background. An entire month since I laid in your bed and relived kissing you and being with you. Okay, all of that is not what makes me feel crazy. The crazy part is that I know that today makes it a whole month. I feel stupid/stalkerish/needy and just plain dumb that I looked at the date today and immediately made that connection. I hate it. Am I the only one? Or is this really just something obsessive people do? This last month has definitely brought out a whole new world of emotions for me to deal with.
I have found myself go back and fourth with how I feel about this whole situation about you. I have moments where I have convinced myself I have ruined it – again. That is when I will sit and feel pretty foolish about how I have handled all this and wonder what I could have done to avoid it. Then I have moments where I feel good about it all and that everything is fine. Right now I feel good. I have a sense that nothing has changed, that I in fact did do nothing wrong – that last text did not annoy you. But that is just how I feel right now. No doubt I will go back to over analysing everything and coming to the conclusion that I have annoyed you.
I guess this feeling wont go away until you contact me. Only then will I feel secure about all of this and things can go back to being good. I keep imagining when that moment will happen. Will I finish work one night and check my phone and find that message from you? Will it be anytime soon? Or a couple of months even years down the track? I am not sure. But whenever that is, I can already feel the excitement illuminate within me. I can’t believe I am writing this shit. I am a 25 year old and you got me here sounding like a childish 15 year old girl. That kind of annoys me. But I guess this is what you have done to me.
Worst thing about this all is I can’t even begin to tell how you feel about me in the mix of all this. I can’t help but think that I like you and feel connected to you a whole lot more than what you feel about me. God damn you and your natural charming ways. I have this feeling I am just one of many girls that adore who you are as a person.
I sometimes remember some of the things about us in high school. Like when you and I use to message about unleashing ‘secret weapons’ on each other. Do you remember what that was all about? Does that freak you out that I do? Or how about how you use to message me ‘Love you’ at the end of a night? Or the fact that I can remember the content of our first ever text messages to each other? I remember small details – but does that make me obsessive and crazy? I guess I hope one day you will be able to express how you feel about me – if there of course is anything significant to express. And we can discuss our past more and laugh and have meaningful conversations about my memories – I would love that. I have mentioned that up until a month ago I considered you unfinished business. But why does it still feel unfinished?