Today is just another day like most days except today is my older brothers Birthday but I didn’t talk to him at all today. But I don’t loose sleep over that those days are over. Its not like he cares anyways. Always wants to be better then the rest of us anyways when he is just like us. But whatever that’s a subject for another time cause its a waste to explain that right now.
I think today in some way I’m sort of in my feelings. Like last night I sat down talking to a friend who I call Professor X. Its sort of nice to speak with him at times he makes me see things a little different. I could learn a lot from him but he’s not a friend I see staying in my life anyways since I change those all the time. He’s great though just too great in my eyes that I don’t see me ever being worthy enough to stay his friend. He has no idea how much I envy him for all the great he is and all the great he’s done. He will leave his words, his name, and always his work in this world for other people to want to look up to him. Anyways there I go drifting again off subject. Well last night he said to me that I want to do too many things and its not possible. I know he’s right but he has no idea why I want to do so much. I need to make a difference with more then just myself in this world. I want to help everyone I can before I leave I want to show people that when no one else loves them this girl right here thinks about all the people in the world who have it worse then she does. And even in the worst of times I’d give anything to stop the tears for all hurting or in pain, id give anything to stop people from going hungry, id also give everything to see happiness scattered through the world. None of that is possible though cause to make differences that big you need to have money and time. But im stuck being a single mom who is still trying to find her smile in this cold cruel world. When i see Professor X I know he always means well but sometimes his words cut deep cause I use to think I was going to be someone bigger and better then what I am but things happened differently. And I think at times he doesn’t see me. I’ve had it hard and most of it by choice but those choices I made helped someone else and screwed me. I’m learning to be a little more selfish now but before i couldn’t be. I needed to be a hero to my family and do something I never wanted to do. He told me too go back to school but by choice I cant I have to put food on the table and take care of my baby by myself and its not easy at all. I cry myself to sleep most days cause I remember my dreams and they mean nothing now. I’m to busy working one my babygirls life. Nothing matters but her. I still have time to do a lot of the things i want to do but now i have too take a different approach that is going to be some much harder then i want it to be but i will not as for help i will not be directed this is all something i have to do on my own but see i know where my heart is and where i want to be and i will be there even if i cant be right now and right away. I’m going to make a difference and i feel like i already am by writing the way i do. One day I’m going to be away from my family and everything will be better. I need to really let them go and they need to let me do the same. I cant keep living in shadows and i sure as hell am tired of the secrets. This is why i started this journal to let out my secrets little by little. And i am sure the world isn’t ready for that but who care i need to let something out and i need to let go and i can only do that after someone other then myself knows who I really am. but for now i don’t want to ramble on i just need a moment to cry and be alone. so til tomorrow im out…