Stupidity in the Name of Love

There are many things in my life that are getting better. I have almost 10 months clean and sober, my relationship with my daughter and with my family is getting better and better and I have found that I am able to just enjoy my life. And yet…I keep this little secret stash of stupidity on hand…so that at any moment’s notice I may get a text or a phone call and I can be available to him at that moment for whatever he may need. I know that he’s down there doing whatever he wants…whoever he wants…he lives his life of gangs and drugs and criminal activity and then detours to remind me that he loves and misses me oh and of course the reason he uses is cuz when he’s straight, the knowledge that we can’t be together is just too much. Wait a second…are you falling for this? Cuz I do…every single time…and when I write it out this way I know that he’s full of crap and that he keeps stringing me along so that I can give him what he needs. Now I do know that his love is real and he truly does miss our family. But I also know just as surely that he has no intention of changing…of stopping what he’s doing. It’s too hard and he’s proven that. I just wish I knew how to stop falling for the rigamarole. I love him to pieces but I have to find a way to move on. To separate myself. He hasn’t called or messaged me since he got the phone. Typical…I want to want to fall in love so badly..I miss my family…but no one is him and nothing gives me that absolute feeling…that knowing that he was the man I would do forever with…that solid feeling of yes…this is my partner…

2 thoughts on “Stupidity in the Name of Love”

  1. I will pray for you that you find the answers you need to help you figure this out. It is painful letting go of someone you still love. You will have to ask yourself though is he making the necessary changes in his life in order to keep you in his? Is he willing to give up his way of life that is dangerous and devote his life to being a different person. Your first and foremost job is to be there for your child. Do whatever necessary to be there for the child and the rest will fall into place. Take care of yourself along the way too.

  2. Thank u. It’s getting easier to let go the more I’m trying to be real with myself about his intentions. We are long done and he has no intention of changing his life. We are on very different paths.

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